I had to step away from this blog for a couple of months to deal with some personal issues in my life. I had never intended for this blog to be a place to whine or attack or upset anyone and if that has happened at anytime, I am very sorry. I thought this blog would be my safe place to put my thoughts down.
This past year has had a lot of ups and downs. I realized that I stepped back into a pattern where I was playing a victim to a spirit of rejection once again. It is a spirit that rears its ugly head at me from time to time. Normally, I can fight it off and it doesn't last long but this time, it took root and grew. I didn't fight like I should have. I let things get to me and I ended up pulling away into my own self instead of reaching out and asking for help. It took nearly a full year for me to finally begin to fight. I have taken many steps to right the wrongs I have done but I am far from done. I am imperfect. As one of my favorite songs states " I am not good enough but He still loves me". God is showing me how to fight this spirit off for good. No more relapses into this darkness.
When I was at my lowest point, it was early summer. I went to my mom's house to visit. She was fixing to go back to work so we were taking advantage of what time we had left before they hit the road again. My mom has always seen things in me that I never let anyone else know about. She knew I was struggling. She hounded me until I broke. I told her about how lonely I felt in my life. How I felt like I didn't have any friends, how I didn't feel like a member of my church anymore, how I was missing my MOPS group terribly. I felt rejected and hurt. My mom knows my past (of course) and how rejection has played a major part in my life. It felt good to talk to her. She was the first person I talked to. She wasn't the last, thank goodness!
In July, My good friend, Jenny, came to visit from Pittsburgh. She was the person I went to when I got overwhelmed with things and when she moved away, I think that was when that awful spirit took root. She knew something was wrong from phone conversations we had had and we had a great talk at Chic-Fil-A. It was exactly what I needed. I knew I was on the right track to getting better. She also suggested I talk to my Pastor's wife about the issues at church. After a couple of months, I finally made that appointment. Amy (the Pastor's wife) met me one Wednesday before church. I explained how I was feeling like I didn't belong in the congregation. I just laid it all out for her. It felt so good. She was so understanding. I knew I was on the right track. I was feeling better and it was going to be ok. I just had a couple more things to take care of before I would be done with it all.
I am stuck on these last two things. The first one is an appointment with a Doctor. The second is to meet with the women in my church who I feel have hurt me. That's the tough one. I am so nervous about telling these women about this. I don't want to hurt them and I also don't want to be a gossip story between them. It will take a lot of trust to talk to them and I don't know if I can do it. Trust is a hard issue for me. Trust has caused me a lot of heartbreak.
So, that is where I am now. I will get up the nerve to have that meeting. And soon! I want to get better and I know this is a step to doing that. After a lot of prayer and talks with women who have helped me to see things in a different light, I will beat this! I will not let rejection be a part of my life anymore. I will take that step forward and live that life that God has intended and be a good role model for me kids!
