I am beginning to wonder if having this blog is such a good idea. As therapeutic as it has been for me, I am left with questions. Am I offending people with what I say? People who used to talk to me all the time have quit saying hi. Is it worth it? Is having this safe place worth the friendships it may cost? When I started this blog it was intended to help me find ways to change. I don't like change. I never have. I like things to stay the same. I am proud to say that I have lived in the same house for 12 years and my kids have always been in the same place. They have been in the same school district. I have had a few changes in my life that have been good. Leaving my job of 11 years in 2005 was a very positive change. I was able to see I was not a good person while working in the environment I was in. I really fell into the gossip and whining. I did not like who I was when I worked there. I know I have made many positive changes from that. Although it was a change I should have made years before I did, I now find it a blessing. I now know what is more important and when I do get back out there and find a job I know that God will provide me with one that will not come in between me and my family. Other positive changes have been becoming a mom, stepping up in church, being in my wonderful MOPS group and now even being a steering team leader there. I have grown as a woman in each of these changes. These are not the changes I am talking about needing help with. It's the minor little things that impact me so hard that I am having a hard time with.
I want to learn to embrace change and become stronger for it. I thought this was my safe place to do it. I really debated even making it a public blog just for this certain reason. The more open I become, the less people want to be around me. I am thinking this might be a mistake. I am very confused.
I love to write. Not just on this blog but putting my feelings into (bad) poetry, writing short stories, plays, etc. I just love to write. It has been a passion of mine since I was in the 5th grade. I have never thought I was very good at it but then I never let people read any of it. When I wrote my first Christmas play for church I was a nervous wreck. It was a lot of exposure. Something I was not used to. My words on display. I even remember in high school when I had to turn my stuff in in my creative writing class or English class I was so nervous. It scared me to death to know someone was going to read my thoughts. Writing this blog has been a HUGE step for me. I have been able to put my feeling down and then for some strange reason people want to see it. I find it crazy. Now, I find it scary. I think some people don't like what I am saying. I am now worried what damage I have done.
In the last couple of posts I have really opened up about how I feel at church. I am thinking some of my fellow church goers are not liking what I am saying. I hope they know I am not saying anything bad about them, I am just trying to get my feelings across. I have no one I feel comfortable talking to anymore so I just bottle it up until I feel like I am going to explode! I wrote a couple of posts right about the explosion time. I am sorry if I offended any one. IT was not my intention to bother anyone. I just thought I had finally found a safe place to face my problems and fix them.
If you don't like what I am writing then please say something. Don't stop talking to me like we are in high school or something. IF you don't like it, don't read it. I can't promise I am going to stop writing here. I may just not post it for the public. I don't know. I am just in a confused state right now and I really don't know what I need to do. This seems to be a very confusing time for a lot of things right now. I don't know what I am supposed to do about many things in my life. I am praying, a lot, so I am just waiting to hear what God wants me to do. The only thing I know for sure is that I am suppose to stay put. That's all I have heard. Don't know what it means and what all it applies to. I am just suppose to stay put. God will lead me where I am suppose to go and what I am suppose to do. I just hope I still have some friends around when this is all done.
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