Borrowed time

I had a rare and wonderful moment to get the sit and listen to the sermon this past Sunday.  I normally have to work with the children so I really do cherish the few times I get to be with the congregation.  I am so glad I did this week.  It really left me pondering.  It was a message I needed to hear to remind me that we are all just on borrowed time here on this earth.  Do we make the most of what time we have?  I know there are times I know I don't make the most of my time here on earth.  It is something I would like to change.  When my time here on this earth is over, will I have done everything I was supposed to do?

Over the last few years I have seen people whose time on this earth has been cut short.  I have dealt with many questions over their passings.  My friend's passing recently has really got me thinking more about this subject.  I really dealt with anger about his passing.  He was only 36 years old!  He had so much more life to live!  He had a young son who needed him.  How could God take this man!  He is still needed!  I have struggled a lot with this anger.  On my walks I have asked God many times Why!  Why is he gone!  It has bothered me so much.  I really wanted God to come here to earth, look at me in the eye, and give me the explanation I so desperately needed.  I just couldn't seem to get peace in this. 

When I got to church on Sunday I wasn't expecting much.  I set up for children's church and then took the girls and went and sat in our spot.  Didn't really get to worship due to Lainey and Macey playing around and had so much stuff on my mind, I wasn't expecting to be able to pay attention to Pastor Toby.  I had know idea that God was going to talk to me that morning.  He may not have come to earth and looked me in the eye, but he gave the answers I needed through Pastor Toby.  He preached on how we are all on borrowed time and what have we done so far?  We never know what tomorrow is going to hold.  We may not be here in the next 5 minutes.  What have you done with your life?  Are you living it for God?  Have you accomplished what you are suppose to accomplish?  God knows when we will leave this earth.  It isn't a surprise to him when these things happen.  He isn't surprised when a plane crashes or an accident happens or when you might not wake up one morning.  What are you going to do with your borrowed time?  These words were comforting to me.  My friend's death was not a surprise to God.  He knew he was coming.  He may not have been able to accomplish everything he wanted to do but God said he had done enough. 

I still miss him everyday.  It hurts to know I won't see him again on this earth.  It still doesn't seem completely real.  My anger, though, has gone.  And I know I have to stay on the path God wants me on until my time comes.  I want to be met by God and hear him say "Well done".  The changes I am making right now will keep me going on the track I am suppose to be on.  So, What are you doing with your borrowed time?

If you have a few minutes, take a look at this video.  It will really put things in perspective.  It did for me.

http://youtu.be/cLj4akmncsA

Teenage Testimony

It was the fall of 1987, My 7th grade year. It had already started off rough. My family had left the Mormon church the spring before so I started Jr. High being someone the kids were told to avoid. I had one friend, London, and she was it. We were very close. Unfortunately we didn't have many classes together so it got pretty lonely.

A few weeks into the school year my mom came home and told me she found a group for me to join. A youth group. The church we were attending didn't have a youth group. We barely had 50 members. Mom said it was it was a youth group for kids from all the churches in the town. Now, you have to realize that Brigham City is a small town and the non-Mormon churches were very small. None of the churches had enough kids to form a youth group so a man named Neil decided to make an interdenominational youth group for all the teens in town. He had it at his house every Wednesday night. My mom decided I needed to join this group. I was very nervous! I was extremely shy as a kid so I was almost sick to my stomach the first Wednesday night my mom took me to Neil's house. We walked in and met Neil. We then met the other leader, Sharon and her two kids, Greg and Kenna. There weren't very many kids in this group. A handful at the most. Mom said goodbye and left me there. I loved it! It was amazing! When she picked me up I talked her ear off about what a wonderful time I had. It was the beginning of an amazing time in my life.

I made great friends in my youth group. We did all sorts of fun activities. We had retreats twice a year, went to camp every summer, had bible study every Wednesday night and activities almost every Saturday. I remember bowling and skating and movie nights.I even got to take a trip to Wahington State when I was 13 to study another youth program! My best friend, London also joined the group so it made it even better! I learned so much! I gave my life to Christ (for real) at summer camp in 1988. I was able to have a safe place to talk about problems at home. It felt like a second home to me. I just knew I would make it all the way through high school and come back to be a helper in this group! Little did I know that that wasn't going to happen.

I believe it was 1990. The summer between my 9th and 10th grade years. We were planning an incredible trip to Jackson Hole, Wyoming. I was so excited. I had been rafting down small rapids before but never down the big rapids! My brother, Ryan, was going to go, too. He had just joined the youth group. Something was brewing before this trip but nothing was said. We went and had a great time. Then we went to summer camp. My mom was beginning to prepare me for what was to come but I didn't know it yet. After camp, the ball dropped. We found out that Neil, our leader, was having an inappropriate relationship with one of the girls in the group. They had been dating for quite some time. They were planning on getting married. We were shocked. Parents were outraged. I was crushed. What was going to happen to my beloved youth group? About a month later, Neil called our last meeting, said some very harsh things, and that was the end. Our youth group was gone.

We were shattered. Several of us had looked to Neil as a father figure. He broke our hearts. He broke our trust. We didn't know what to do. We just couldn't really recover from such a huge blow. We were scattered again to our various churches and they scrambled to put together youth groups to fill the gap that was left. It just couldn't work. Our group members just couldn't recover from this. Some that had come out of the Mormon church ended up returning. Others walked away from God all together. A couple of us still stuck it out in 1991 and went to summer camp under our youth group name but that was the last year. We had to latch onto a church to get to go after that. It was devastating. Neil married the girl and I believe they are still married today. I haven't seen him since that last meeting and I really don't feel like I would ever want to again. His scandal took down a strong group of Christian teens in a town where we had to fight for everything. We were never the same. The church I belonged to tried to start a youth group but the couple who took it over couldn't do anything with it and it dissolved within a year. It was all over.

Why did I share this? Because I believe very strongly that when you stand in leadership of a youth group, you must be very careful. You have to watch the skeletons that may be in your closet or anything that may taint you in the eyes of the teens who trust you. Teens are a tough group. They trust with everything they have and when that trust is broken, it sometimes cannot be repaired. It could damage the teen long into their adult years. I still bare the scars of mine. You are the safe place for the teens to go. Make sure your closet it clean before you let them in. I am not saying this to any specific person. I stand in leadership of the Children's Ministry in my church now so I hold myself to these same standards. Those kids have a trust in me that I cannot break, no matter what happens. I don't ever want ever want to hurt those children the way my youth leader hurt me.

A wise Pastor said once that God looks at people in leadership differently. He judges them more harshly than most because people follow what they do and say. If a leader leads his followers in the wrong direction, the God will judge him more harsh than the followers. The leader should know better. Every time I stand teaching my kids at church, I keep that in the back of my mind. How is God going to judge me as a leader? Maybe if more people did this than there would be a lot less heartbreak.

I felt God today

I walked the kiddos up to the end of the driveway this morning and it was such a beautiful sunrise. The air was cool and crisp. I just breathed in the smell of spring all around me. So pretty. I knew that something special would happen today.

I planned to meet a friend and buy a couple of dresses from her. I felt it would be a great day for a walk. I grabbed my mp3 player, put on some comfortable clothes, pulled my hair back, and headed into town. I met my friend and got the dresses then took off to the park. I pulled into the parking lot and there wasn't a car around. Yay! I get the walking trail all to myself. I picked up my mp3 player and put it on shuffle. I knew I had all types of music on there, worship, contemporary, dance. I just wanted something to keep my step to. Little did I know what God had in store through the little mp3 player.

First song was country. "Don't Blink" by Kenny Chesney. Great reflection song. I thought about how fast time has gone by and how my kids were growing up way too fast. Next was "The Way you Love Me" by Faith Hill. Cute, Sweet, reminded me how much I love my family. Next was "Amazing Grace" by Chris Tomlin. Thought of my friend who passed away last week. Next was "Water Rises" by Corinne Chapman. Thought about the struggles I have had recently. How I seem to get through them but then more come up. Just never ending. Then it happened. I had two worship songs (I cannot remember the names but they were powerful). God was speaking to me through these songs. He was reminding me that He is here with me. I am not alone. I have felt so alone lately. Then "Healing Rain" by Michael W. Smith came on. I was in tears. I was really glad no one else was on this trail because I was in full blown cry mode. I realized I was angry. Angry about so many things. I listened to the words of that song. I hit my heart so hard. Before I knew it my hands were lifted and I was worshipping. I was healing. I gave in. Next thing I felt was arms holding me. He was right there with me! On the trail! He was giving me a huge bear hug. I have never felt that feeling before. Not like that. It was so amazing.

I had only planned to walk a mile (2 figure 8s around the park) but I just couldn't stop. I wanted to hear more. Next song was "Who you'd be Today" by Kenny Chesney. I thought again about my friend. I have been so angry about his death. It didn't seem fair that he was gone. It was not making sense to me. When that song came on I had let the anger go. I was accepting his death. I could actually smile about the fact he is in Heaven and I will see him again someday. The next song was "Live Like We're Dying" by Kris Allen. I thought about how each day needs to matter. Live each day to the fullest. You just never know. Then to finish off my now 2 mile walk I had another wonderful worship song. I felt so full. I felt so free. I felt God today in the park. I had been asking Him where He was and He answered me. I just can't even describe how it felt. It is all mine.

Now I know that I am going to continue to fight the evils and cancers and bad things that the enemy keeps throwing my way. The enemy continuously keeps breaking down anything good. When I start feeling bogged down by the pains of this earth I am going to go back to the park and the huge bear hug I got from God. I felt so safe. I will hold on to that feeling for the rest of my life. Looking forward to my next walk in the park!