Friend vs. Aquaintance

So, In the last months or so I have really been contemplating if I have friends or do I have acquaintances.  It seems like an easy question, doesn't it.  Do you have friends?  The older I get, the more the question weighs on my mind.  Who are these people I surround myself with?  How do I view them?  Better question, what do they see me as? 

Miriam Webster's dictionary  defines a "friend" as 1-One attached to another by affection or esteem, 2-One that is not hostile, 3-A favored companion.  It also defines acquaintance as 1-Personal knowledge, 2-A person whom one knows but who is not a particularly close friend.  Seems pretty cut and dry.  A friend is someone drawn to you by affection while acquaintance is someone who knows you but has no personal attachment.  After reading these definitions, I started looking back on people in my life.  I know I have had friends.  People who have been major parts of my life.  People who I still speak to (even on facebook) and miss them terribly.  I haven't had many friends like that in the past few years.  I have actually felt extremely alone.  Almost pathetic,  my "friends" now a days are characters on tv shows.  I feel more connected to made up people than to people in my life.  I am beginning to think I have surrounded myself with acquaintances rather than friends.

I have always been the person who feels like the odd one out.  Through different challenges in my past I have been very isolated.  God, fortunately, put some amazing people in my life.  My oldest friend (not in age but in number of years I have known her) is London.  We met in the 4th grade.  We were close for many years.  In the 8th grade London transferred schools and our friendship kind of fizzled.  It was painful.  It got lonely.  We saw each other less and less until we didn't see each other at all.  I thought I would never have another friend like that again (remember, I am young here).  Luckily, Karie came into my life not long after London left.  I don't know how we became friends.  We were total opposites!  She was loud, opinionated, and extrovert, always looking for attention.  I was quiet, kept my mouth shut, an introvert, and tried to blend into a crowd.  We met when I was in 8th grade and she was in 7th.  I thought she was the most annoying person I had ever met!  Eventually I started seeing the amazing side of Karie and we became inseparable all through high school.  We even went to college together! In that case, I ended up hurting her when I mad the decision to drop out and move to Arkansas.  I am so grateful our friendship still stands today.  We really had our ups and downs all through the years.  I miss her terribly.  Too many miles in between us now.  I look forward to next summer when I go back to Utah and visit!

I have had other wonderful friendships in my life.  Kelly was a great friend, so was Amanda and Jennifer.  Kenna and I were pretty close until she went off to college.  Gary was friend I met at summer camp who continued to be a close friend for many years after.  Then there was Andy.  He changed my life forever.  I still morn him.  It has been almost two months since his death and I still grieve. These people have left indelible legacies in my life.  I still speak to most of them (thank you, facebook!).  I consider these people my friends, even today.  I love them all so much!

Now, to the present.  I have one person I know I can call a friend.  Jenny.  She has always accepted me for who I am.  No questions asked.  She and her husband, Matt, have always been loving and caring to me and my family.  They never seemed to care that Billie doesn't attend church.  I never felt left out with them.  They moved away last summer and things just haven't been the same.  I feel like I am left out of quite a bit of things now.  The people who I thought were friends have become very clicky.  I am on the outside looking in.  It is extremely lonely.  I have started to realize these people were more acquaintances to me now.  It has to be true.  I am sure they think of me the same way.  I am a church acquaintance.  Someone they know but are not emotionally tied to.  It is really hard. 

My friend, Jenny, told me a story once about how she prayed for a friend for her son.  She knew God had someone special for him out there.  God answered that prayer and her son found a wonderful friend.  I started doing the same thing for my daughter.  I pray consistently that God would bring a wonderful friend to her.  She gets lonely, too.  She is a great kid but she can be a little quirky and little girls don't really like to play with her.  She isn't a girly-girl so it can be hard for her to connect.  Now, as I pray for her to get her special friend, I have added a new prayer.  I never pray for myself except for patience with my kids, patience with my husband, good health, and to be what He wants me to be. I have started praying that not only would God bring my daughter a good friend but He would also show me a good one, too.  I am tired to being lonely and having only tv friends.  I need a friend.

Grow up and act my age!!

I still find myself falling victim to stupid and childish failures.  Do you remember in school when you would see two people standing off in a corner talking and every once in awhile they would look over at you and you knew right then, yeah, they are talking about me.  Do you ever outgrow such silliness?  I am beginning to think not.

I spend lots of time building up the self esteem of all 4 of my kids.  As someone who had their self esteem torn down on a daily basis by a parent, I find it extremely important that my children never feel what I felt growing up.  I want them to stand strong in themselves and strong in the Lord.  Things I still struggle with to this day.  I never want them to doubt themselves like I do regularly.  This has been a mission of mine since the moment they were placed in my arms the day they were born.  My children were never going to feel the daily pain I feel.  They will be able to look at themselves in the mirror and like what they see.

The reason I bring this up is because I got caught up in yet another stupid, childish moment this weekend.  I was teaching my class of preschoolers.  Church was about to be over when I thought I would go collect the teaching supplies from the other classroom (we combined classes that day) so it would be easier for the person who makes them to pick them up.  I opened the door and saw two ladies standing there talking.  One looked up at me with a kind of "deer in the headlights" kind of look.  She asked me what I was doing.  I told her.  They both looked really uncomfortable.  I got the supplies from her and shut the door.  Then I heard that old voice in my head.  Yeah, they were talking about you.  The confidence I had built up that day (I was going to meet with the children's church teachers) just fell straight to the ground and I felt as low as the floor.  I have no reason to believe these women even mentioned my name but because I have very bad self esteem, I just assumed they were by how they acted when I saw them.  I felt very bad the rest of the day. 

I am not a strong person.  When people tell me I am I laugh at them (internally).  How can I be a strong person when little things like this still upset me so much?  I feel as weak as I did when I was younger.  I am not a natural born leader.  I am a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants type of personality.  I do my best with what I am supposed to do and hope it is enough.  I constantly feel condemnation from people who could probably do a much better job then me.  I do have to say that I do pour my heart and soul into any job I am given (children's church leader, Moppettes leader).  No one can ever say I don't have heart!  I feel like all my flaws are sitting on the outside and everyone can see them.  Also, I have no confidant to talk these things out with either so the build inside.  I have a notebook that hears all my things. 

I am so tired of this.  I am too old to play stupid childish games.  How old do you have to be to convince yourself that not everyone is looking at you in a negative way?  When will I finally get the self esteem I have wanted for so long?  Am I hurting my own children by being this way?  As I deal with the deck that God has dealt me I see that my hand is not an easy one.  This must be another thing God is dealing with my on.  I want to be the strong woman people say that I am.  I don't see that woman.  I never have.  When I look in the mirror I see a weak and pathetic soul that can't grow up and act her age.  I don't like what I see.  I need to change it so maybe I would be granted the prayer I pray almost every day, a friend.  A person.  A confidant.  I can understand why people don't want to be around me.  I am not an easy person to deal with.  I am trying to change that.  I am a work in progress.