Disappointed...again

I had started out by whining about not getting my own way on a certain subject. I stopped myself, deleted what I had, and started over again. Am I disappointed? Yes. My Whining isn't going to change anything.

I was really hoping Billie would finally go to church with me this week. It was the perfect week for it. He was off work. I didn't have to teach children's church. It was a beautiful day. It just seemed like everything was falling into place, that is, until, he crawled back into bed Sunday morning and told me he was too tired to go. You would think I would be used to it by now but it still stung. I would be taking the kids to church alone,again. I was really disappointed.

I was able to suck it up, get to church, and not let on how my morning had gone. I am getting pretty good at that. As sad as it is to say, I am learning how to put on my best "church face". I had a lot of practice when I was younger. My family looked like a picture perfect family. No one had any idea what was going on behind the scenes. We had great Church faces. I guess I have just brought that aspect of my life back up. It is really hard.

I never want to be the person who walks into church on Sunday morning and when asked "how are you doing?" I spill my guts about how my heart hurts when my husband won't get up and come with me. It has been going on for our entire marriage. You would think I would be used to it by now. I wish it wouldn't hurt so much. Especially when I am in church and see the husbands with their wives. I hope those ladies know how lucky they are. Never take that for granite. It isn't easy being there alone. I don't want your pity. That is why I always just say "fine". I can avoid the whole conversation.

My kids, I think, have just adapted to not having him at church. They know mom is always the one to get them to church and dad will be at home when they get back. That is all they know. It would mean so much to the kids if he could come with us. I know my oldest is about to the point of just completely giving up. It is sad to see that look in her eye when she knows he isn't coming with us.

I wonder sometimes if I have done enough. I worry about his salvation. I worry about his future. Am I falling short? I pray for him all the time. I talk to him all the time. I try to show him how important it is for him to be a part of this. Maybe my actions are not showing what I want them to. I have a tendency to complain. I get stressed out. I let things get to me and I was telling him about it until he said something that just stopped me in my tracks. He said "Just quit going! If it is making you this miserable then why even bother? Why do you give so much of yourself if this is how you feel?"

That is when I sat down and thought about what I had done. As much as I love my church and the people in it, I had started to let the little things really get to me. I was seeing things that the enemy was starting to put in front of me. I had bought into the enemy's lie. I was very disappointed in myself. How can I beg him to come to church when I was being so negative? I felt awful. From that day on, if I fell back into my complaining, I would just write them down in a journal and keep it to myself. Then I pray about it and it now starts to work itself out. No more will I burden my husband with meaningless garbage. That is not the way to win this battle.

To end this I ask for prayer. Prayer for Billie. Prayer for strength for me. Prayers for my children that they will not give up on their daddy. Prayers for my family as we continue to work on making our family whole in church. I have been encouraged by others saying it took years but they finally started going. I can't give up. As disappointed as it can be on Sunday mornings, I will just continue to ask him to come. One day our prayers will be answered and he will get up out of the bed and come with us.

The Shoe Box

As some of you know I have been reading several books by Francine Rivers. I went to the library today to try to get the third book in the Mark of the Lion series. They didn't have it but they did have a short story called "the Shoe Box". It was a small book, only about 90 pages or so. After reading it, it just shows that you don't have to read a big book to get a big message.

The story is about a little boy named Timmy. He has been taken from his parents and put into foster care. He is brought to the home of David and Amy Holmes. He brings with him a small bag of belongings and a shoe box with a red top that says "running shoes". Timmy takes this box everywhere he goes. Everyone who comes in contact with him wonders what he is carrying in this box. When Timmy is asked what is in it, he replies simply "Just things".

Through the story you see Timmy in different situations. Some good, some sad. In every situation he has his shoe box right beside him. When it is Christmas time, Timmy wanted to be in the Christmas play. When the teacher asked him what he wanted to be, Timmy said a wise man. The teacher not wanting to hurt his feelings tells him that the bible never really says how many wise men there were so Timmy got to be a wise man. When the night of the play came, Timmy was standing in his spot but instead of holding the box of jewels he was suppose to have, he held his shoe box. The time came for Timmy to take his gift to the manger. He set his shoe box right next to the manger and walked away.

When the play was over, Amy and David asked if he wanted to go back and get his box. Timmy says, "No, I gave it to Jesus". Amy went back to get it anyway and when she got there the box was gone.(There is an amazing ending to this story but I am going to let you find out what it is!)

The author, Francine Rivers, has a small thing at the beginning of the book where she tells about how when she first became a christian, she had a hard time giving all her troubles to God. She decided to make a prayer box where when she had an issue, she would right it down and then put them in this box. It signified giving it to God. She said to liked to go back and look at the prayers later down the road and see how God answered those prayers. I thought this was the neatest idea! I, too, have a really hard time giving things to God. It has been a battle for me for years! I seem to think in my human mind that I can do a better job than God can! Also, I can get it done in my time range. It is ridiculous! I know better yet I still hold on to the things that affect me the most! Loneliness, fear, stress (and stress eating), worry, finances (whoa! That's a big one!), my husband, etc. I know if I want these things fixed the right way, I have to lay them down at the feet of Jesus.

I told myself that 2012 would be the year I started depending more on God and less on myself. Billie's surgery and 2 months out of work were my first test in this area! It was a struggle, I will not lie, but I prayed harder than I think I ever had! We made it through those tough months and now are on the other side getting back to normal. I handed that situation completely over to God and he took care of us! Not that I didn't try to take it back on many occasions but God used that to show me that he is here for me and my family. It was a wonderful feeling!

I think I may make a Prayer box! Let it be a physical reminder of what I have to do. I still struggle with all the things I listed. I would love to go back at the end of the year and check out the prayers in that box and see how God moved in my life through the year! I am so glad I found that story today. It really made me think a lot!

Francine Rivers, the author who changed my life

As a mother of 4 relatively young children, reading is not something I get to do a lot of. I have a lot to do, and not much time to just sit and read. I am what some people call a "visual" reader. I have to see the book in my head as I read it. Kind of like a movie. It helps me keep up with what I am reading. It may sounds stupid but it works for me. I was really getting frustrated with books and reading. Even reading the bible was a struggle for me. I kept getting distracted and my mind would wander. I wasn't learning anything. Some people I asked about it would tell me "well, you are too easily distracted" or "it shouldn't be this hard" or, the hardest one "You aren't seeking God". I really got worried. I was seeking God in any way I could but reading books by Joyce Meyer (wonderful author) and John Bevere (also excellent author) were really a struggle for me. It really began to bug me. I wanted to read books that would help me seek God in the way I needed to but also be written in a way that I can keep up with it. Then a friend introduced me to Francine Rivers.

I was going through a really hard time a couple of years ago when my friend, Mary, brought this book to me. It is called "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. I looked at it and kind of felt skeptical. How is this going to be any different than the other books I have read? Mary told me that is was Christian fiction. It was worth the read. so, reluctantly, I took the book home and started to read it that night.

I didn't put it down for 2 days. I finished it within 48 hours. This author had found a way to write exactly what I needed to hear in a way that I had no trouble comprehending it.It isthestory of Hosea from the old testament but it takes place in the gold rush of California. As you go through this book, the young woman in it, who had been hurt so much in her life, kept running from who loved her the most, the farmer. She just kept running away from him. Finally, he just had to let her go so she could find her own way back. They amazing part of this book is not that it is a love story, but it also shows us God's unconditional love How many times do we run away from God when things get hard? He is always there when we return. This book opened my eyes to God's unconditional love. I was hooked!

I began reading whatever Francine Rivers books I could get my hands on. She mostly writes love stories in the christian fiction genre. Each one leaves you contemplating those same scenarios in your own life. I finally found a way to seek God through reading and learn what he needs me to learn.

the latest books I have read were books 1 and 2 of the Mark of the Lion series. It is a 3 book series about the characters Julia, Marcus, Hadassah, and Aretes. It is centered in Rome about 40 years after the Crucifixion. It is a amazing story that shows you how important it is not to hide your faith from others. I wish I had the faith the young woman in this story had. It is just an amazing story. I highly recommend these and all her books for anyone who like me who has trouble being able to read those other books. I am looking forward to book number 3!

I find it so amazing how God can show you ways to seek him. He knew my struggles and used a friend to bring me to an author who can write to stir my soul. I am so grateful to my friend, Mary, for introducing me to this wonderful author. And, of course, Thank you, Francine Rivers, for being faithful and writing such amazing stories!

single church parent

Sunday mornings are never normal for me. I get up, feed the kids, put out their clothes for church, do their hair, get myself ready, and take off for church, all while my husband is most likely either asleep because he has worked all night or he is busy with something else. He does not attend church with us. He has come a few times but never very often. I am what is called a "single church parent". Not only am I responsible for getting my children to church every Sunday to learn about God, I am also in charge of their spiritual teaching at home. In a perfect world, the job of the spiritual head of household falls to the husband. Mine has never been a perfect world. It all lays in my lap.

I don't think many people understand this situation I am in. Most of the people I know have never been in my situation. They have been blessed with spouses who are with them every Sunday and Wednesday and any other church activity we have. They are there. I have been a single church parent for 12 years. It has not always been easy but it is what God has given me to do. My children are my life and I do everything I can to make sure they are getting fed God's word. I pray for them all day, everyday. I pray for my husband, too. Even when it seems like nothing is going to change, I continue to lift him up in prayer. I keep reminding my self "not my time, but God's time".

This can be a very lonely road. I can feel extremely lonely at times. There are some Sundays I try so hard to get out of the church building as fast as I can so I don't hear the plans of the husbands and wives. Sunday lunch plans, coffee dates, nights out. dinner at each other's houses. I get my rowdy bunch together and get out the front door. If I hear these plans, it hurts my heart. I know for a fact my sweet church family has no idea. I don't say a word. I have gotten really good at saying "I'm fine" and keeping the pain to myself. I have had a lot of practice at it. I have even pulled away from church activities because I don't feel like I fit in anymore. Hard to fit in with couples when you aren't one. You are more of a third wheel. The walls I have spent years tearing down are slowly building back up. I don't let anyone close to me anymore. I am pretty sure I bring the loneliness on myself.

I do feel blessed that God has brought me someone at church who has a lot in common with me. She attends church alone with her 3 small children.Her husband doesn't attend church, either. She and I have had many conversations about our situations. I actually feel good when we talk because I know she knows what I feel. I believe she was an answer to a prayer. I needed someone who was pretty much going through what I go through on a Sunday morning. I can say "Man, I almost didn't make it, the kids were not cooperating. I almost stayed home" and she knows exactly what I am going through. When you are in our situation, staying home seems so much easier. We fight the urge to skip church and bring our children to learn. It isn't an easy decision, trust me. Your flesh really will fight you on it.

Sometimes if I let myself sit and think about it, I wonder how long this will go on. Will I always been a single church parent? Will I ever been one of the lucky ones with their husband's arm over her shoulder while looking at the bible during the sermon. When you sit alone in church, things like that come to your attention. Every loving gesture you see around you is staring you right in the face. I know I have to push back the tears and just keep reminding myself that God is in control. Never give up! Never stop praying. no matter how badly I feel defeated, I can't give up on making my family whole. I will just keep fighting on.

memories of a dear friend

My mom came to visit this past weekend. She brought a book that was written by a lady back in my hometown of Brigham City. It was a compilation of short stories and poems a bible verses. It was beautiful. There was one story in particular that I wanted to read. It was written by the daughter of my Sunday school teacher from High school. Her name was Ilene. I was nervous about reading it. I knew it was going to stir up emotions that I didn't want to relive. Not that they were bad memories, just more sad memories. You see, Ilene was killed in a plane crash in March, 2003. My heart broke when I found out. She was very special to me. She helped me through some of the toughest times in my life. When I felt no one else was there, she always was. With a heavy heart, I read this short story written by her daughter.

The story is called "I Will Rise" by Kati Germer. It is a moving account of the day she lost both of her parents. Ilene's husband, Buzz, had been battling cancer and was in the hospital in Salt Lake City. He got a reluctant "ok" from the doctor to go home (home being Sun Valley, Idaho). Buzz was more than ready to go. They called a close friend who owned a private plane and he came to pick them up and take them home. Kati goes on to talk about how it was her niece's birthday so they were trying to get Ilene and Buzz taken care of at the airport so they could go back to the birthday party. Not that they were hurrying them along but it was just a typical day. Who knew what was eventually going to happen. A couple of hours later Kati got a call from her sister in Idaho saying the plan never landed. They had run into a bad snow storm. The plane had fallen off the radar. When the wreckage was found, there was nothing left. No survivors.

While sifting through the wreckage, they came across one item that had managed to survive, Buzz's bible. It was still in very good condition. In fact, there is a picture of it in the book. Kati goes on to talk about how she wondered if Ilene and Buzz were holding onto that bible when their plane went down. If that bible had given them comfort in a time of shear terror. Kati talks about an email Ilene had sent her just before the accident. It was a typical Ilene email (or letter in my case.). It had this bible verse in it:

"Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy. Though I fall I will rise. Though I dwell in darkness, the LORD is a light for me".-Micah 7:8 (NASB)

Kati used this verse as comfort during such a hard time. It was a way for her mother to comfort her before the accident. Isn't it amazing how God works? When Ilene sent this email to her children, she had no idea what was in store for her. Kati also talks about a passage that was in the devotional "Our Daily Bread". She said it fit the situation so well. She and her siblings had a memorial made with it on it.

"The grass withers, the flowers fade, but the word of our God stands forever,"-Isaiah 40:8 (NASB)

I was such a beautiful story about the love of this family in a time of tragedy. I wish I could put my memories of this wonderful woman on a slide show so everyone could see how truly wonderful she was. She was (and still is) my inspiration! She was an incredible Sunday school teacher. I learned so much from her. Things that have stayed with me for many years. Now that I am a Children's church teacher (and leader) I keep in mind how she taught and how she loved us and how she inspired us. I can only hope I can be half the teacher she was. I look at my kids in children's church and I can only pray that I can be as good a teacher as she was. When I really start getting down about things in Children's church, I remember Ilene and I suck it up and find a way to fix it. The children are the important part, we are just there to help guide them.

Another reason she was such an inspiration was that she never gave up on her husband. Many of you know the situation with mine. He doesn't go to church and he doesn't get involved. Ilene's husband was the same way for many years. She never gave up on him. She prayed for him relentlessly. She was a good "single church mom". She brought her kids to church every Sunday by herself. She did what she had to. God finally answered her prayers and Buzz came to Christ a few years before their death. I have this image in my head of the two of them walking hand in had into the gates of heaven. This only happened because she never gave up on him. She knew God would eventually answer her prayer. Now they are together in heaven. when I start thinking my situation is hopeless, I remember her relentless faith. I can't give up. My prayers will be answered in God's time, just like Ilene.

I am thankful that God put Ilene in my life. She still gives me inspiration. I keep her letters and notes that she sent me close to my bed. When I really let things get to me, I can pull those up and read her notes of encouragement. She is part of the reason I am who I am today and for that, I can never say Thank you enough. We are planning a trip back to Utah next summer and I had actually thought about driving to Sun Valley to see the memorial her children put up. I don't know if I will make it, but I know it is there. We will have to see what happens.

praise

I have a problem of reading things on facebook and then wanting to respond before actually thinking. Usually when I do this, it comes out all wrong and never makes any sense. I have been training myself to think first , then post an answer (if it is warranted). My thought process was put to the test this week after reading something that I completely disagreed with.

I have a respect for other denominations and that sometimes we, as Christians, do not all have the same thoughts and beliefs. I know that things are not always the same. I love my church and I love the way my church worships. To me, I feel Jesus in the people there and in the way we worship together. My children have gone there all of their lives. We are all family. This week I read an article posted by a friend on facebook. It was on praise teams. Now this friend is Church of Christ. I know that particular denomination does not believe in music or instruments in their worship. Not to say they don't worship, they just don't have the same type of worship as my church (a non-denominational) does. In this article it states how praise teams are wrong and instruments should not be used. That's fine. that is what they believe, and I respect that. It is what is said next that bothered me so much. It went on to say the women could not have a leadership role in a praise team because it would be to glorify themselves and their vocal abilities, not God. Also, it stated that most praise teams are only out for themselves and their glory. I strongly disagree with this. Mainly because I am extremely close to my praise team at my church and not a one of them stands up there with any thing else on their minds but to glorify God in their singing. Yes, we have instruments. We don't believe it is wrong. That is our right to do. It is all for the glory of God.

I think I got the maddest when it was talking about women not needing to be in leadership roles in a worship team. One of my closest friends, Jenny, lead our worship team for years and not once did she stand up there for the glory of anyone but God. When she sang, you knew it was nothing but a gift from God. She never put herself first in her leading. She was a wonderful leader! That statement in that article is wrong in that! Yes, I believe there are many who stand with a worship teams with only wanting their voices heard. I have been to churches like that. They put on their best "Christina Agiulara" and have no passion for God in their singing. Not all churches are like this. There are many who have women in leadership that sing for God and only God. That is when the spirit moves. My friend, Jenny, has since moved away and we have a new leader. He is a wonderful leader. When he and the praise team sang today, I just felt the Holy Spirit in their singing and in their instruments. It was a beautiful moment. It was what I needed to feel today to help me deal with this anger I have had about this article. I know that our way of worship is just fine. It may not be the way everyone worships but it is the way my church family does and God hears us just fine.

I come from a past of extreme legalism and indoctrination. I think that is why I let things like this get to me. I am really trying not to let them well up in me. It is just another thing I have on my list of things to change. I have to just pray about it and let God show me the answers, just like he did today.

Now, I have many friends who are Church of Christ. I love them all very much. I am not trying to offend anyone by stating this in my blog. I have complete respect for what you do and how you worship. I just think that the article I read was extremely judgemental against other denominations. We all have the same goal, to worship our master and creator for His glory. God Bless you all.

My First Born

When I held my first born daughter for the very first time 12 years ago, I could not believe what a beautiful miracle I was looking at. She was so tiny a perfect and knowing I was her mom was so overwhelming. I had things going through my mind like she was going to be nice and polite and never talk back and never be in trouble. She could never do any wrong because I would make sure she knew all right from wrong and she would always make the right decisions. Yes, I was naive!!

Sitting her 12 years later i have learned my lesson! Not saying that she is a holy terror or anything! She is just a normal pre-teen! Trying to find herself, her identity in this world. Sometimes that is good, other times it can be down right annoying!! I do have to admit. I love our conversations. She is funny without meaning to be! She calls it her "blond moments". She is turning into quite a smart, funny, beautiful young lady.

My heart aches as she grows up. It seems like just yesterday I was rocking her to sleep. Watching her take in the world with wide eyed enthusiasm. She was always looking for something new to learn. Something new to do. Some of my favorite memories of her being a baby are of her figuring out things. She has always enjoyed learning new things. Her enjoyment of learning has grown with her. She is always up for a challenges

We fight, we talk, we learn together. She knows she is my guinea pig! I have always told that I have to practice on her so I can get it right with the others! She has a huge heart. She loves unconditionally and whole heartedly. She is a lot like me. That is good AND bad. I see several things in her that I know I used to do. My mom always used to tell me "Raegan! I hope you have a daughter just like you one day!". I believe she got her wish. Brittney is a lot like me. We are both very compassionate, very loving, very quiet and shy. She is a little more outgoing than I was. Unfortunately she also has my anger and hurt patterns. She loves to roll those eyes and say mean things to her sisters and brothers. I did that, too.

I am trying to find ways to deal with her growing up. I want her to grow up and be Godly woman I know she can be. I would love for her not to have to go through the things I had to go through to realize God needs to be number one! I already see a disconnect with her and her dad. Billie doesn't know how to deal with her and it is causing a rift in their relationship. That can have deadly consequences. Knowing what it is like to not have a relationship with a dad, I pray for them everyday. Brittney needs to be more respectful of her father and Billie needs to plug into his daughter's life. This could save her a lot of heartache down the road.

Brittney is my heart. I love her so much and it hurts to watch her grow. I am so proud of the young women she is becoming but I miss the little girl she was. She is an amazing girl and I love that fact that she is mine. I hope she and I can have as close a relationship as my mom and I do. I never want to lose that.

I warned you that I may ramble sometimes! I just wanted to talk about my first born tonight because she is the best thing I have ever made!!