single church parent

Sunday mornings are never normal for me. I get up, feed the kids, put out their clothes for church, do their hair, get myself ready, and take off for church, all while my husband is most likely either asleep because he has worked all night or he is busy with something else. He does not attend church with us. He has come a few times but never very often. I am what is called a "single church parent". Not only am I responsible for getting my children to church every Sunday to learn about God, I am also in charge of their spiritual teaching at home. In a perfect world, the job of the spiritual head of household falls to the husband. Mine has never been a perfect world. It all lays in my lap.

I don't think many people understand this situation I am in. Most of the people I know have never been in my situation. They have been blessed with spouses who are with them every Sunday and Wednesday and any other church activity we have. They are there. I have been a single church parent for 12 years. It has not always been easy but it is what God has given me to do. My children are my life and I do everything I can to make sure they are getting fed God's word. I pray for them all day, everyday. I pray for my husband, too. Even when it seems like nothing is going to change, I continue to lift him up in prayer. I keep reminding my self "not my time, but God's time".

This can be a very lonely road. I can feel extremely lonely at times. There are some Sundays I try so hard to get out of the church building as fast as I can so I don't hear the plans of the husbands and wives. Sunday lunch plans, coffee dates, nights out. dinner at each other's houses. I get my rowdy bunch together and get out the front door. If I hear these plans, it hurts my heart. I know for a fact my sweet church family has no idea. I don't say a word. I have gotten really good at saying "I'm fine" and keeping the pain to myself. I have had a lot of practice at it. I have even pulled away from church activities because I don't feel like I fit in anymore. Hard to fit in with couples when you aren't one. You are more of a third wheel. The walls I have spent years tearing down are slowly building back up. I don't let anyone close to me anymore. I am pretty sure I bring the loneliness on myself.

I do feel blessed that God has brought me someone at church who has a lot in common with me. She attends church alone with her 3 small children.Her husband doesn't attend church, either. She and I have had many conversations about our situations. I actually feel good when we talk because I know she knows what I feel. I believe she was an answer to a prayer. I needed someone who was pretty much going through what I go through on a Sunday morning. I can say "Man, I almost didn't make it, the kids were not cooperating. I almost stayed home" and she knows exactly what I am going through. When you are in our situation, staying home seems so much easier. We fight the urge to skip church and bring our children to learn. It isn't an easy decision, trust me. Your flesh really will fight you on it.

Sometimes if I let myself sit and think about it, I wonder how long this will go on. Will I always been a single church parent? Will I ever been one of the lucky ones with their husband's arm over her shoulder while looking at the bible during the sermon. When you sit alone in church, things like that come to your attention. Every loving gesture you see around you is staring you right in the face. I know I have to push back the tears and just keep reminding myself that God is in control. Never give up! Never stop praying. no matter how badly I feel defeated, I can't give up on making my family whole. I will just keep fighting on.