Good-bye, dear friend

It was the summer of1992 when Andrew Jensen came into my life. It was a very complicated time in my life. I was about to start my senior year in high school and my parents were just about the separate. 17 can be hard enough without adding complications.

It was at summer camp where I came face to face with this short, stalky, not too bad looking young man with an amazing smile. We hit it off right away. I think we spent most of the first day of camp just talking and getting to know each other. We had a lot in common. We were the same age. We had come out of the same situation. We were both dealing with the fallout of that situation. It was the beginning of a friendship that would play a major role in my life.

Andy and I didn't go to the same school. He lived in a town about 25 minutes from Brigham City (my hometown). His family started coming to church at the church we went to so we got to see each other every Sunday. He and his brother, Ben, became good friends with my brother, Ryan. We all got pretty close. I even asked Andy to the Sadie Hawkins dance at my school. We went with my 2 best friends and their dates. I still remember every moment of that night. It was one of those times that you look back on when you are having a bad day and just laugh. It was a really fun night.

Around Christmas that year, Andy's family moved to Brigham City. He started school and we had the same first class. It was a Christian Seminary class. There was a kid in that class who was just taking it to get an easy A. During Andy's first week of school this same kid started calling me some names. He called me a whore and a few choice words. Andy jumped on him and they fought. No, I don't condone the fighting but he was defending his friend, me. No one had ever done that for me. The whole situation ended up ending the Christian seminary class. We didn't have anymore classes together after that.

Through the next months Andy would help my brother and me make it through a divorce, family problems, a new step father, and craziness in general. He was a great friend. I always joked with him and told him he was good for my self esteem. He always made me feel like I was worth something. Did I have a crush on him? DUH!! Of course I did! He was a good looking guy and he gave me attention! Did anything ever happen there? No. Not for lack of trying (on both sides). I think our friendship always got in the way. We forged a bond that was very strong.

I moved to Arkansas in 1994 and lost contact with Andy. I went in over my head into a relationship that nearly killed me. I was a complete mess. By the spring of 1996 my mom was telling me it was time to go back to Utah. She knew if anyone could pull me out of the funk I was in, it would be my friends back home. I hopped a plane that April. My best friend, Karie, talked until she was blue trying to show me that the relationship I was trying to hold onto was toxic and I deserved much better. I wouldn't listen. Karie loved me like a sister and she was so frustrated that I wouldn't listen. She called Andy. He came and we talked for hours. I didn't realize how far on the bottom I was. I had hit rock bottom and was digging farther down. Andy looked me straight in the eye and told me I deserved better. I was worth it. I was a good person and I deserved someone who would love me and treat me with respect. I deserved more that this bad relationship. He broke through. I was finally able to get past that toxic relationship. A few weeks after I return to Arkansas, I met the man I would later marry. I don't think I would have met him if it wasn't for that talk with Andy. I told him later that he helped mend my shattered heart. I will always be grateful to him for what he did for me.

In 1997, I heard a knock at my door. I opened it and Andy was standing on my porch! He and his brother, Ben, had driven from Utah to Arkansas to see my brother and me. I was so happy to see him. They spent 4 or 5 days at our house and those days were amazing. I didn't realize how much I had missed him. We talked for hours. We were good at that. That was the last time I saw Andy face to face. I planned on seeing him next summer when my family took a vacation to Utah. I cannot believe he won't be there. Andy and I reconnected on facebook a couple of years ago. We had several long conversations. He sent me a digital download of his favorite book. I still have it. He would always say I was important to him. I don't know if he knew how important he was to me. I am so thankful he was my friend. I am so thankful he chose me. I look back now and I see we really had a bond. We obviously needed each other.

My dear Andy left this earth early Saturday morning. When I found out my heart instantly broke. I had to shelve my grief for awhile because I had promised my kids a wonderful day trip to Hot Springs. Today is the first day I have actually allowed myself to grieve. Although I haven't seen him in more than 10 years, I will miss him the rest of my life. He was my special someone who loved me for me and nothing ever changed it. I thank God for bringing him into my life.

Thank you, Andy, for being my friend. For helping me through some tough times. For showing me kindness and happiness. This earth just will not be the same without your amazing smile and gigantic heart. I love you, my friend. I know I will see you again.

safe place or lose friends

I am beginning to wonder if having this blog is such a good idea. As therapeutic as it has been for me, I am left with questions. Am I offending people with what I say? People who used to talk to me all the time have quit saying hi. Is it worth it? Is having this safe place worth the friendships it may cost?

When I started this blog it was intended to help me find ways to change. I don't like change. I never have. I like things to stay the same. I am proud to say that I have lived in the same house for 12 years and my kids have always been in the same place. They have been in the same school district. I have had a few changes in my life that have been good. Leaving my job of 11 years in 2005 was a very positive change. I was able to see I was not a good person while working in the environment I was in. I really fell into the gossip and whining. I did not like who I was when I worked there. I know I have made many positive changes from that. Although it was a change I should have made years before I did, I now find it a blessing. I now know what is more important and when I do get back out there and find a job I know that God will provide me with one that will not come in between me and my family. Other positive changes have been becoming a mom, stepping up in church, being in my wonderful MOPS group and now even being a steering team leader there. I have grown as a woman in each of these changes. These are not the changes I am talking about needing help with. It's the minor little things that impact me so hard that I am having a hard time with.

I want to learn to embrace change and become stronger for it. I thought this was my safe place to do it. I really debated even making it a public blog just for this certain reason. The more open I become, the less people want to be around me. I am thinking this might be a mistake. I am very confused.

I love to write. Not just on this blog but putting my feelings into (bad) poetry, writing short stories, plays, etc. I just love to write. It has been a passion of mine since I was in the 5th grade. I have never thought I was very good at it but then I never let people read any of it. When I wrote my first Christmas play for church I was a nervous wreck. It was a lot of exposure. Something I was not used to. My words on display. I even remember in high school when I had to turn my stuff in in my creative writing class or English class I was so nervous. It scared me to death to know someone was going to read my thoughts. Writing this blog has been a HUGE step for me. I have been able to put my feeling down and then for some strange reason people want to see it. I find it crazy. Now, I find it scary. I think some people don't like what I am saying. I am now worried what damage I have done.

In the last couple of posts I have really opened up about how I feel at church. I am thinking some of my fellow church goers are not liking what I am saying. I hope they know I am not saying anything bad about them, I am just trying to get my feelings across. I have no one I feel comfortable talking to anymore so I just bottle it up until I feel like I am going to explode! I wrote a couple of posts right about the explosion time. I am sorry if I offended any one. IT was not my intention to bother anyone. I just thought I had finally found a safe place to face my problems and fix them.

If you don't like what I am writing then please say something. Don't stop talking to me like we are in high school or something. IF you don't like it, don't read it. I can't promise I am going to stop writing here. I may just not post it for the public. I don't know. I am just in a confused state right now and I really don't know what I need to do. This seems to be a very confusing time for a lot of things right now. I don't know what I am supposed to do about many things in my life. I am praying, a lot, so I am just waiting to hear what God wants me to do. The only thing I know for sure is that I am suppose to stay put. That's all I have heard. Don't know what it means and what all it applies to. I am just suppose to stay put. God will lead me where I am suppose to go and what I am suppose to do. I just hope I still have some friends around when this is all done.

Season of Change

Uh oh! I think I am going to get deep! Watch out! I have been thinking about this post all day. I finally came to a big realization today. I realized I was in a season transition. Something I haven't had to do in a long, long time. It scared me. I am now trying to figure out what kind of new season God has in store for me.

I was sitting in my MOPS steering team meeting this morning planning our big "Tea and Testimony " meeting. I just kind of sat back and took in all that was going on around me. It is going to be a great meeting with strong spiritual meanings and they did an incredible job planning it. I was silent, for the most part. I think reality started to hit me, my MOPS days are drawing to a close, fast. I got really sad. My MOPS group has been such a blessing in my life! It helped me overcome my incredible shyness. I have been on the steering team for two years and have learned so much. It all comes to an end in May. I will no longer have preschoolers so I will not be in MOPS anymore. It weighed heavily on my heart for most of the day.

I started praying. I wanted this sadness to go away. I have been dealing with a lot of emotion lately and I just want to be happy again. It has been quite a while. I asked God to please help me figure out why this was all going on. Why did I feel the way I feel? Why was this sadness seem to be overtaking me. I sat back this afternoon and I got my answer. I am transitioning into a new season in my life.

I have been in this season of life for 12 years now. For the past 12 years I have had a constant young child to take care of. I have had a child who needed my constant attention. I had a child who needed me. Starting next fall, all 4 of my kids will be in school. For the first time in 12 years, I will be stepping out into a new season of life. It is scary! What is my new season? What does God have purposed for me? Taking this new step is very scary. I don't handle change well. I handled my fear of change with sadness. I got woe some. Poor me. Pathetic!

I have been saying "it's not my season" for years. I think it became my number one dodger! My kids needed me so I would be there. No questions asked. Now they are all stepping out in new parts of their lives and I am going to be on the outside. Wow! Kind of losing my place in this world (or so it seems)..

I know God has a plan for me. It is just hard to see right now. I feel kind of lost in transition. What does my new season hold for me? A job? A hobby? Anything new? All I can see right now is my kids are growing up way too fast and I am losing my support group! I need to look at this more positively I guess. I get to experience new and exciting change! Things are going to be different but it could be an adventure! Who knows what exciting things are out there for me to discover! A new season, a new me.

Who Am I??

So, Who am I ? Does anyone out there know? You would think this is the easiest question for a person to answer but I sit here stumped! I have many identities but who am I? Here is what I can answer. Raegan: Wife of Billie, Mother of Brittney, Lainey, Macey,and Daniel. Daughter of Alice. Sister of Ryan. Aunt to Ryleigh and Rowan. Children's church leader at Complete in Christ Church, Moppettes coordinator (steering team member) in the Searcy MOPS. That's your basics. But, I think I have lost who I am in the midst of all of this. I don't know who I am anymore.

I have really had trouble trying to figure this out. Been going on for awhile now. I think that is why I have such a hard time connecting with people. Why would someone want to know me when I don't even know myself? I have hidden my true self away from people. I guess I am afraid that no one would like the real me. That stems all the way back to childhood. I fight the demons of rejection and loneliness quite frequently. I build up walls that no one can get around. I have been doing it my whole life. I have been hurt quite a bit in my life. It always seemed that I let my guard down for a friend only to be hurt. I was hoping I would outgrow this but obviously it has followed me into adulthood. It's happening again. I spent many years tearing down my protective walls and now they are up again. A failure to say the least.

This time has been going on since last summer. I still could not tell you what happened but last July during the VBS week, I just felt like something changed between me and my friends from church. It hasn't been the same since. I have felt extremely lonely for months. I spent many nights trying to figure out what had happened. Did I do something to offend these ladies? Were my actions not right? They all just seemed to pull away and our relationships have not been the same. I feel on the offensive all the time. I have just gotten to the point where I almost just avoid contact. It hurts too much. I can't say they have done anything wrong. It could just be this stupid rejection problem I fight on a daily basis. All I can say is that I don't do anything with anyone outside the walls of the church. I have quit home group because I can't seem to fit in anywhere and I don't go to bible studies because I just don't feel accepted there. I just go to church, do my job, hopefully get a week or two to listen to the sermon, and go home. That's it. It is quite a lonely life.

I have prayed over and over again about whether or not I need to leave my church. How can I be this miserable and still go? Every time I pray, I hear a definitive NO! I am not suppose to go anywhere. It's one of those situations where you wish you could see how God's plan is going to work out. I hate having to wait and see! I think that is why I am on this quest to find myself. Maybe if I do, I will be able to have friends again. I mean, really, who wants to be friends with a miserable person? right?

These facts I know. I love what I do. I love working with the kids at church. They7 are a breath of fresh air! I love my MOPS group! I am about to be done with them and the thought really scares me. I have no idea what I am going to do come September! I am not "book smart". Never good in math and some sciences ( I did love physics, though). I guess I can consider myself more creative. I love reading and writing is a passion. I have written 2 children's plays and they have brought me a lot of joy! I love music! I played the violin in school and have considered picking back up again. I love to sing. I have never thought I was good at it but I really love it. I used to sing specials in church when I was a teen. I love dance. I dance all of the time. IT is a release for me. I can turn on any type of music and move. My daughter, Brittney, got a lot of these same traits. She is a very talented dancer and pretty good with a trumpet!

I love my kids. They are my heart. I try so hard to be the best mom I can be. I stumble quite a bit but I really put everything I am into it. I want them to grow up to be strong, smart, caring Christian individuals that have their heads on straight and know who they are and stick to it. I also love my husband. Billie and I have been together for nearly 16 years. He is the love of my life. We have had many ups and downs but we always seem to make it. I pray for him all the time. God has a plan for him. I am waiting (somewhat) patiently. I love my mom. She is probably my best friend. I am so glad we have a very close bond. Not many people have that. It is a gift.

So, given all these facts, I should have some clue about who I am. I can say I am a loving, caring person who will put just about everyone ahead of myself. I know I have my selfish moments but I really try to take care of everyone. Is this enough? Can I be Raegan with all this information? I will just keep praying that God will show me myself though his eyes and help heal the pain I have felt these last few months. I know writing this may cost me whatever friendships I may still have at church but how can I heal if I can't get it out? I don't have a "person" who I can just break down to anymore. The last one I had moved last year. So, on this journey of change this year my main goal is going to be to find myself though God's eyes so I can become a whole person again. I am done feeling like this!