My First Born

When I held my first born daughter for the very first time 12 years ago, I could not believe what a beautiful miracle I was looking at. She was so tiny a perfect and knowing I was her mom was so overwhelming. I had things going through my mind like she was going to be nice and polite and never talk back and never be in trouble. She could never do any wrong because I would make sure she knew all right from wrong and she would always make the right decisions. Yes, I was naive!!

Sitting her 12 years later i have learned my lesson! Not saying that she is a holy terror or anything! She is just a normal pre-teen! Trying to find herself, her identity in this world. Sometimes that is good, other times it can be down right annoying!! I do have to admit. I love our conversations. She is funny without meaning to be! She calls it her "blond moments". She is turning into quite a smart, funny, beautiful young lady.

My heart aches as she grows up. It seems like just yesterday I was rocking her to sleep. Watching her take in the world with wide eyed enthusiasm. She was always looking for something new to learn. Something new to do. Some of my favorite memories of her being a baby are of her figuring out things. She has always enjoyed learning new things. Her enjoyment of learning has grown with her. She is always up for a challenges

We fight, we talk, we learn together. She knows she is my guinea pig! I have always told that I have to practice on her so I can get it right with the others! She has a huge heart. She loves unconditionally and whole heartedly. She is a lot like me. That is good AND bad. I see several things in her that I know I used to do. My mom always used to tell me "Raegan! I hope you have a daughter just like you one day!". I believe she got her wish. Brittney is a lot like me. We are both very compassionate, very loving, very quiet and shy. She is a little more outgoing than I was. Unfortunately she also has my anger and hurt patterns. She loves to roll those eyes and say mean things to her sisters and brothers. I did that, too.

I am trying to find ways to deal with her growing up. I want her to grow up and be Godly woman I know she can be. I would love for her not to have to go through the things I had to go through to realize God needs to be number one! I already see a disconnect with her and her dad. Billie doesn't know how to deal with her and it is causing a rift in their relationship. That can have deadly consequences. Knowing what it is like to not have a relationship with a dad, I pray for them everyday. Brittney needs to be more respectful of her father and Billie needs to plug into his daughter's life. This could save her a lot of heartache down the road.

Brittney is my heart. I love her so much and it hurts to watch her grow. I am so proud of the young women she is becoming but I miss the little girl she was. She is an amazing girl and I love that fact that she is mine. I hope she and I can have as close a relationship as my mom and I do. I never want to lose that.

I warned you that I may ramble sometimes! I just wanted to talk about my first born tonight because she is the best thing I have ever made!!