Grow up and act my age!!

I still find myself falling victim to stupid and childish failures.  Do you remember in school when you would see two people standing off in a corner talking and every once in awhile they would look over at you and you knew right then, yeah, they are talking about me.  Do you ever outgrow such silliness?  I am beginning to think not.

I spend lots of time building up the self esteem of all 4 of my kids.  As someone who had their self esteem torn down on a daily basis by a parent, I find it extremely important that my children never feel what I felt growing up.  I want them to stand strong in themselves and strong in the Lord.  Things I still struggle with to this day.  I never want them to doubt themselves like I do regularly.  This has been a mission of mine since the moment they were placed in my arms the day they were born.  My children were never going to feel the daily pain I feel.  They will be able to look at themselves in the mirror and like what they see.

The reason I bring this up is because I got caught up in yet another stupid, childish moment this weekend.  I was teaching my class of preschoolers.  Church was about to be over when I thought I would go collect the teaching supplies from the other classroom (we combined classes that day) so it would be easier for the person who makes them to pick them up.  I opened the door and saw two ladies standing there talking.  One looked up at me with a kind of "deer in the headlights" kind of look.  She asked me what I was doing.  I told her.  They both looked really uncomfortable.  I got the supplies from her and shut the door.  Then I heard that old voice in my head.  Yeah, they were talking about you.  The confidence I had built up that day (I was going to meet with the children's church teachers) just fell straight to the ground and I felt as low as the floor.  I have no reason to believe these women even mentioned my name but because I have very bad self esteem, I just assumed they were by how they acted when I saw them.  I felt very bad the rest of the day. 

I am not a strong person.  When people tell me I am I laugh at them (internally).  How can I be a strong person when little things like this still upset me so much?  I feel as weak as I did when I was younger.  I am not a natural born leader.  I am a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants type of personality.  I do my best with what I am supposed to do and hope it is enough.  I constantly feel condemnation from people who could probably do a much better job then me.  I do have to say that I do pour my heart and soul into any job I am given (children's church leader, Moppettes leader).  No one can ever say I don't have heart!  I feel like all my flaws are sitting on the outside and everyone can see them.  Also, I have no confidant to talk these things out with either so the build inside.  I have a notebook that hears all my things. 

I am so tired of this.  I am too old to play stupid childish games.  How old do you have to be to convince yourself that not everyone is looking at you in a negative way?  When will I finally get the self esteem I have wanted for so long?  Am I hurting my own children by being this way?  As I deal with the deck that God has dealt me I see that my hand is not an easy one.  This must be another thing God is dealing with my on.  I want to be the strong woman people say that I am.  I don't see that woman.  I never have.  When I look in the mirror I see a weak and pathetic soul that can't grow up and act her age.  I don't like what I see.  I need to change it so maybe I would be granted the prayer I pray almost every day, a friend.  A person.  A confidant.  I can understand why people don't want to be around me.  I am not an easy person to deal with.  I am trying to change that.  I am a work in progress.