I have dropped the ball

This time last year I was on fire to lose weight.  I started out really good.  I was watching what I was eating, exercising, really trying.  I thought I would be down quite a bit of weight by now.  Unfortunately, that has not happened.  I have dropped the ball.  I have let stress, sadness, loneliness, and just outright depression take hold of my life and I have not done what I set out to do.  Nothing new for me.  I have always had a really bad habit of not finishing what I start.  I am so disappointed in myself right now.  How can I change something that has completely taken over my life?  I am so tired of being overweight!  All I can remember is this time last year I was happy.  Happier than I have been in a very long time.  I felt love and acceptance in every place I went.  I was content.  It is amazing how  a year can change so much.

I had lost up to 22 pounds by November of last year.  Right before Billie's back surgery.  His surgery kind of threw me into a spin.  I was stressed all the time.  He was the sole bread winner for the family.  I was scared that I wasn't going to be able to pay our bills or buy food.  I prayed constantly.  I knew God was with us and helping us out but me being such a control freak, I worried a lot.  Thanks to my precious MOPS ladies who supplied dinners for us for about a month, the church for their generous gift to help pay bills, and Billie's bonus check, we made it two months without a real paycheck.  It was rough, but we made it.  My stress got the best of me, though and I started to eat my feelings again.  I fell off the program I had been on for months.  I kept telling myself I would start back but I didn't.  The more stress I had, the more I seemed to eat.  I have packed back on 8 pounds. 

I started walking at the park in the spring.  I love it.  It is really freeing.  I walk around 2 miles (sometimes 2 and a half when my leg isn't hurting).  I know it isn't much to some but it is a good start for me.  I would go at least 3 times a week.  I haven't gone in over 2 weeks now.  I used the excuses like I am not feeling well or it is too hot but the truth is I have just been too depressed to go.  Walking makes me feel good and I haven't felt good in awhile.  It is a fight.  I am dealing with some things right now that have seemed to just take over.  For some reason I just can't seem to shake this sadness and loneliness.  I know I need to walk it out.  I am going to force myself to walk it out.  The more I put it off, the more upset I get with myself.  I think I am under attack right now and I just don't have the strength to fight it off. 

I want to be healthy for myself, for my family, for my future.  I have been overweight for 13 years now.  People I know now have never seen me thin.  I was never rail thin but I was much thinner than this.  It is such a battle for me.  Food is my comfort.  It takes away the pain for the moment then I feel worse after.  I want to change.  I keep trying to change.  I am weak.

I am going to put myself back on track Monday.  Back on the program.  Back to eating right.  Back to walking.  I want to beat this.  I want to look in the mirror and not see a round, fat face staring back at me.  I can't even stand to have my picture taken because my face is so fat.  My eyes squint up and I look awful.  Maybe if I can get control over this battle, the other battles I fight won't seem so much.