Going Public!!

So I have been debating for some time now whether or not to post a link to this blog. I mean, it is me, on display for everyone to see! I don't like to be open. I am a very private person. I started this blog as a way to try to fix things in my life that needed a little tweaking.

After some prayer I have decided to open my thoughts up to the public. I know that the majority of people who read this won't like it. I am not a skilled writer. Sometimes I babble. Sometimes I don't make any sense. By hey, that is me! Maybe by sharing my thoughts, this change I so desperately need can begin. I need to let people see me, like me or not!

I have been dealing with a feeling of failure this week. The first casualty of Billie's back surgery will happen today. We will lose internet service sometime today. I tried so hard to stay on top of my bills while he was out of work but this one had to fall by the wayside. As the last couple of months have been very stressful for my family, I tried to keep things as normal as possible for the kids, I paid what I could and unfortunately the phone/internet bill was at the bottom of the list. It isn't a necessity, so to speak. We can live without it. I just don't want to. It is my line to the outside world. I talk more to people online then in real life. I feel like a part of a community online where I feel like an outsider in the real world. Maybe I am too dependant on it and that is why I have to lose it for a little while. I need to learn to connect to the real world.

So here it is! Love me or leave me, this is me. Keep in mind I am still very new to all this blogging stuff so don't be too critical. I am just trying to be real. I don't talk about anything important, just my life. So, I hope you enjoy my heart and I will try to keep up with it (someway, while the internet is down!

And God answers...In a shocking way

This has not been the best of days for me. It started out like any other Thursday morning. It is always hard to get the kids up and going on Thursdays due to Wednesday night church. I simply made a status update on facebook saying:

"I guess threatening to quit going to church on Wednesday night has finally paid off! I haven't had any problem out of the kids (except for Brittney's attitude) in 2 weeks!"

I ended up getting a response from an old church friend. Her response really startled me. She took what I said out of context and proceeded to write something that made me feel really bad. I private messaged her to let her know that she took what I said out of context and that I didn't mean what she said. I thought that was the end of it. I got a message back from her and it was harsh. She told me (and I am paraphrasing here) that I am not handling Brittney right and that posting things on facebook about her is mean and humiliating to her. It really got to me! I began to wonder if I really was hurting Brittney without knowing it. I went through my status updates to check it out.

I went back as far as the beginning of December and nothing I saw was humiliating. Yes, I have posted when we have had issues and I did post a funny story she told me but she knew it. I normally always tell her what I am posting. Then I started to feel really bad. What if I am doing wrong and I wasn't figuring it out? Am I screwing up my kids? Am I really as bad a mom as I feel in this moment?

I struggled with this all day. I didn't know how to deal with the overwhelming guilt I was starting to feel. I thought about asking a friend if she thought I was humiliating Brittney but I ended up just praying about it. I asked God to show me if I was doing wrong and if I was, show me how to fix it. I have cried most of the day dealing with this.

After getting my kids off to bed and balancing my checkbook, I decided to check facebook one more time before I went to bed. I saw that I had a private message. I was hoping it wasn't from the same friend. I just couldn't handle any more guilt. I clicked on it and was completely surprised. It was from a lady I hadn't heard from in several years. We were church friends but have lost touch.

I was almost afraid to look at it. I knew it had to do with the post this morning. As I read it, tears came rushing to my eyes! Her message was the answer to the prayer I had prayed earlier. She reassured me I was the best mom for my kids. I was so blown away! I know God answers prayers but lately, I have felt like mine were being ignored. He took the perfect opportunity to show me He is still listening.

I am so grateful to both of the "old friends". I may not have liked what the first one said but through that, I got the assurance I needed about being a mom from the other one. God is good!

Trusting

This week I have been really working on trusting God in my finances. I have most of my bills due now and I don't have enough money to pay them all. Now, I know God provides for all our needs and I have seen it happen over and over. Still, I have trouble worrying about things. I like to know that things are physically taken care of. This has been a big test for me. Trust God with my finances and bills. Leave it all up to him. It will be ok. I know this in my heart, I know this is the right thing to do yet when I look at my emptying cupboards I get scared. I need money for food.

There have been some good things that came out of Billie's time off. I think our relationship has gotten stronger, he got to spend much needed time with the kids, and his back is better. The bad is the money. Unfortunately we live in a world where money is needed for everything.

Why is it so hard to trust God when it comes to finances? I trust him with my kids, my safety, my life, but when it comes to money, I can't stand to let go of control of it. In the back of my mind I feel like a failure if I can't get things taken care of in a timely manner. I don't have a job outside of the home. It is my responsibility to take care of the home and the bills. I suck at housework but I was pretty good on the bills. I like the feeling of knowing everything is paid and on time and nothing will be shut off. It is a security for me. Not knowing how to save everything this month is just scaring me to death.

This blog is a way for me to get out my fears and frustrations. Through this and through prayer I know God will help me. Even though I may not deserve it, I know he has a plan for my family and we will come out of this much, much better.

Having issues

Today has not been the best of days. I am trying hard to rely on God when I feel things out of my control and today was a test. A major test.

Billie just started back to work yesterday after 2 months. His little disability check is just not getting it done. I can't pay bills and buy gas and food. It is the middle of the month and I haven't paid a bill. Well, I paid the preschool bill. That's it. I am scared that things are going to get shut off. I figured maybe I could ask Eric to help out a little. I know he is a little broke due to starting college but I was hoping he could still at least pay the satellite bill. Well, that is now over!

Eric had a car accident today. He totaled his car. He had let his insurance lapse while he was paying for all his college dues and books. He was suppose to start college tomorrow. It still just amazes me how life can change in an instant. He was supposed to start his life over again and now he has had to drop out of college and start looking for a full time job to cover the cost of this accident. It just isn't fair! He didn't deserve this!

As I have struggled through everything today, I have just kept praying. Praying for answers. Praying for absolution. Praying for help. It is days like this which test my faith and test my trust. I get so upset when I see other people around me and things are going great for them but we have to struggle all of the time. I know this is a learning experience for me and my family. We will learn something from all of this and come out better people. I just wish we didn't have to struggle all of the time.

My brother and sister in law seem to have it all. They even won a cruise over Christmas! He said he had to win it for her because it is what she deserves. They just seem to never have to worry like we do. I feel very beneath them.

God will take care of all of this. He will take care of Eric and he will take care of our bills. This is a test and I am trying very hard to pass it. We just have to make it a couple more weeks then I can get everything back to normal.

January 6-Day 1

So this is it! I am finally going to start this blog! I have been toying with this for many months and I guess it is just time. I guess I didn't want to write a blog based on my whining and sadness. Those don't get much accomplished!

This is for me! I haven't even decided if I am going to let anyone know about it. this is my outlet and my way to deal with things that weigh me down. I am going to give myself 1 year to get it striaight in my head. One year to set all the wrongs back to right. One year to find the woman I lost about 12 years ago. I know she is in here somewhere.

I have put myself on the back burner since my first daughter was born. I will always put everyone else ahead of me. I just want to make sure they are all happy and healthy and doing what they want. I am beginning to feel like the woman I was before kids has just slipped away and has gotten lost inside myself. That isn't good for me and it really isn't good for my children. I can't be a strong role model for my girls by not being the woman I should be. I need to find my whole self.

Now I probably won't post every single day but I will give it a try. I just have to get up the courage to let anyone into my inner most thoughts. I want to share but I am not comfortable with opening up. Maybe doing it in this setting will help me be able to share.

Will get back to you soon!