Who Am I??

So, Who am I ? Does anyone out there know? You would think this is the easiest question for a person to answer but I sit here stumped! I have many identities but who am I? Here is what I can answer. Raegan: Wife of Billie, Mother of Brittney, Lainey, Macey,and Daniel. Daughter of Alice. Sister of Ryan. Aunt to Ryleigh and Rowan. Children's church leader at Complete in Christ Church, Moppettes coordinator (steering team member) in the Searcy MOPS. That's your basics. But, I think I have lost who I am in the midst of all of this. I don't know who I am anymore.

I have really had trouble trying to figure this out. Been going on for awhile now. I think that is why I have such a hard time connecting with people. Why would someone want to know me when I don't even know myself? I have hidden my true self away from people. I guess I am afraid that no one would like the real me. That stems all the way back to childhood. I fight the demons of rejection and loneliness quite frequently. I build up walls that no one can get around. I have been doing it my whole life. I have been hurt quite a bit in my life. It always seemed that I let my guard down for a friend only to be hurt. I was hoping I would outgrow this but obviously it has followed me into adulthood. It's happening again. I spent many years tearing down my protective walls and now they are up again. A failure to say the least.

This time has been going on since last summer. I still could not tell you what happened but last July during the VBS week, I just felt like something changed between me and my friends from church. It hasn't been the same since. I have felt extremely lonely for months. I spent many nights trying to figure out what had happened. Did I do something to offend these ladies? Were my actions not right? They all just seemed to pull away and our relationships have not been the same. I feel on the offensive all the time. I have just gotten to the point where I almost just avoid contact. It hurts too much. I can't say they have done anything wrong. It could just be this stupid rejection problem I fight on a daily basis. All I can say is that I don't do anything with anyone outside the walls of the church. I have quit home group because I can't seem to fit in anywhere and I don't go to bible studies because I just don't feel accepted there. I just go to church, do my job, hopefully get a week or two to listen to the sermon, and go home. That's it. It is quite a lonely life.

I have prayed over and over again about whether or not I need to leave my church. How can I be this miserable and still go? Every time I pray, I hear a definitive NO! I am not suppose to go anywhere. It's one of those situations where you wish you could see how God's plan is going to work out. I hate having to wait and see! I think that is why I am on this quest to find myself. Maybe if I do, I will be able to have friends again. I mean, really, who wants to be friends with a miserable person? right?

These facts I know. I love what I do. I love working with the kids at church. They7 are a breath of fresh air! I love my MOPS group! I am about to be done with them and the thought really scares me. I have no idea what I am going to do come September! I am not "book smart". Never good in math and some sciences ( I did love physics, though). I guess I can consider myself more creative. I love reading and writing is a passion. I have written 2 children's plays and they have brought me a lot of joy! I love music! I played the violin in school and have considered picking back up again. I love to sing. I have never thought I was good at it but I really love it. I used to sing specials in church when I was a teen. I love dance. I dance all of the time. IT is a release for me. I can turn on any type of music and move. My daughter, Brittney, got a lot of these same traits. She is a very talented dancer and pretty good with a trumpet!

I love my kids. They are my heart. I try so hard to be the best mom I can be. I stumble quite a bit but I really put everything I am into it. I want them to grow up to be strong, smart, caring Christian individuals that have their heads on straight and know who they are and stick to it. I also love my husband. Billie and I have been together for nearly 16 years. He is the love of my life. We have had many ups and downs but we always seem to make it. I pray for him all the time. God has a plan for him. I am waiting (somewhat) patiently. I love my mom. She is probably my best friend. I am so glad we have a very close bond. Not many people have that. It is a gift.

So, given all these facts, I should have some clue about who I am. I can say I am a loving, caring person who will put just about everyone ahead of myself. I know I have my selfish moments but I really try to take care of everyone. Is this enough? Can I be Raegan with all this information? I will just keep praying that God will show me myself though his eyes and help heal the pain I have felt these last few months. I know writing this may cost me whatever friendships I may still have at church but how can I heal if I can't get it out? I don't have a "person" who I can just break down to anymore. The last one I had moved last year. So, on this journey of change this year my main goal is going to be to find myself though God's eyes so I can become a whole person again. I am done feeling like this!