taking a step forward

I had to step away from this blog for a couple of  months to deal with some personal issues in my life.  I had never intended for this blog to be a place to whine or attack or upset anyone and if that has happened at anytime, I am very sorry.  I thought this blog would be my safe place to put my thoughts down. 

This past year has had a lot of ups and downs.  I realized that I stepped back into a pattern where I was playing a victim to a spirit of rejection once again.  It is a spirit that rears its ugly head at me from time to time.  Normally, I can fight it off and it doesn't last long but this time, it took root and grew.  I didn't fight like I should have.  I let things get to me and I ended up pulling away into my own self instead of reaching out and asking for help.  It took nearly a full year for me to finally begin to fight. I have taken many steps to right the wrongs I have done but I am far from done.  I am imperfect.  As one of my favorite songs states " I am not good enough but He still loves me".  God is showing me how to fight this spirit off for good.  No more relapses into this darkness.

When I was at my lowest point, it was early summer.  I went to my mom's house to visit.  She was fixing to go back to work so we were taking advantage of what time we had left before they hit the road again.  My mom has always seen things in me that I never let anyone else know about.  She knew I was struggling.  She hounded me until I broke.  I told her about how lonely I felt in my life.  How I felt like I didn't have any friends, how I didn't feel like a member of my church anymore, how I was missing my MOPS group terribly.  I felt rejected and hurt.  My mom knows my past (of course) and how rejection has played a major part in my life.  It felt good to talk to her.  She was the first person I talked to.  She wasn't the last, thank goodness!

In July, My good friend, Jenny, came to visit from Pittsburgh.  She was the person I went to when I got overwhelmed with things and when she moved away, I think that was when that awful spirit took root.  She knew something was wrong from phone conversations we had had and we had a great talk at Chic-Fil-A.  It was exactly what I needed.  I knew I was on the right track to getting better.  She also suggested I talk to my Pastor's wife about the issues at church.  After a couple of months, I finally made that appointment.  Amy (the Pastor's wife) met me one Wednesday before church.  I explained how I was feeling like I didn't belong in the congregation.  I just laid it all out for her.  It felt so good.  She was so understanding.  I knew I was on the right track.  I was feeling better and it was going to be ok.  I just had a couple more things to take care of before I would be done with it all.

I am stuck on these last two things.  The first one is an appointment with a Doctor.  The second is to meet with the women in my church who I feel have hurt me.  That's the tough one.  I am so nervous about telling these women about this.  I don't want to hurt them and I also don't want to be a gossip story between them.  It will take a lot of trust to talk to them and I don't know if  I can do it.  Trust is a hard issue for me.  Trust has caused me a lot of heartbreak. 

So,  that is where I am now.  I will get up the nerve to have that meeting.  And soon!  I want to get better and I know this is a step to doing that.  After a lot of prayer and talks with women who have helped me to see things in a different light, I will beat this!  I will not let rejection be a part of my life anymore.  I will take that step forward and live that life that God has intended and be a good role model for me kids!

I have dropped the ball

This time last year I was on fire to lose weight.  I started out really good.  I was watching what I was eating, exercising, really trying.  I thought I would be down quite a bit of weight by now.  Unfortunately, that has not happened.  I have dropped the ball.  I have let stress, sadness, loneliness, and just outright depression take hold of my life and I have not done what I set out to do.  Nothing new for me.  I have always had a really bad habit of not finishing what I start.  I am so disappointed in myself right now.  How can I change something that has completely taken over my life?  I am so tired of being overweight!  All I can remember is this time last year I was happy.  Happier than I have been in a very long time.  I felt love and acceptance in every place I went.  I was content.  It is amazing how  a year can change so much.

I had lost up to 22 pounds by November of last year.  Right before Billie's back surgery.  His surgery kind of threw me into a spin.  I was stressed all the time.  He was the sole bread winner for the family.  I was scared that I wasn't going to be able to pay our bills or buy food.  I prayed constantly.  I knew God was with us and helping us out but me being such a control freak, I worried a lot.  Thanks to my precious MOPS ladies who supplied dinners for us for about a month, the church for their generous gift to help pay bills, and Billie's bonus check, we made it two months without a real paycheck.  It was rough, but we made it.  My stress got the best of me, though and I started to eat my feelings again.  I fell off the program I had been on for months.  I kept telling myself I would start back but I didn't.  The more stress I had, the more I seemed to eat.  I have packed back on 8 pounds. 

I started walking at the park in the spring.  I love it.  It is really freeing.  I walk around 2 miles (sometimes 2 and a half when my leg isn't hurting).  I know it isn't much to some but it is a good start for me.  I would go at least 3 times a week.  I haven't gone in over 2 weeks now.  I used the excuses like I am not feeling well or it is too hot but the truth is I have just been too depressed to go.  Walking makes me feel good and I haven't felt good in awhile.  It is a fight.  I am dealing with some things right now that have seemed to just take over.  For some reason I just can't seem to shake this sadness and loneliness.  I know I need to walk it out.  I am going to force myself to walk it out.  The more I put it off, the more upset I get with myself.  I think I am under attack right now and I just don't have the strength to fight it off. 

I want to be healthy for myself, for my family, for my future.  I have been overweight for 13 years now.  People I know now have never seen me thin.  I was never rail thin but I was much thinner than this.  It is such a battle for me.  Food is my comfort.  It takes away the pain for the moment then I feel worse after.  I want to change.  I keep trying to change.  I am weak.

I am going to put myself back on track Monday.  Back on the program.  Back to eating right.  Back to walking.  I want to beat this.  I want to look in the mirror and not see a round, fat face staring back at me.  I can't even stand to have my picture taken because my face is so fat.  My eyes squint up and I look awful.  Maybe if I can get control over this battle, the other battles I fight won't seem so much.

Friend vs. Aquaintance

So, In the last months or so I have really been contemplating if I have friends or do I have acquaintances.  It seems like an easy question, doesn't it.  Do you have friends?  The older I get, the more the question weighs on my mind.  Who are these people I surround myself with?  How do I view them?  Better question, what do they see me as? 

Miriam Webster's dictionary  defines a "friend" as 1-One attached to another by affection or esteem, 2-One that is not hostile, 3-A favored companion.  It also defines acquaintance as 1-Personal knowledge, 2-A person whom one knows but who is not a particularly close friend.  Seems pretty cut and dry.  A friend is someone drawn to you by affection while acquaintance is someone who knows you but has no personal attachment.  After reading these definitions, I started looking back on people in my life.  I know I have had friends.  People who have been major parts of my life.  People who I still speak to (even on facebook) and miss them terribly.  I haven't had many friends like that in the past few years.  I have actually felt extremely alone.  Almost pathetic,  my "friends" now a days are characters on tv shows.  I feel more connected to made up people than to people in my life.  I am beginning to think I have surrounded myself with acquaintances rather than friends.

I have always been the person who feels like the odd one out.  Through different challenges in my past I have been very isolated.  God, fortunately, put some amazing people in my life.  My oldest friend (not in age but in number of years I have known her) is London.  We met in the 4th grade.  We were close for many years.  In the 8th grade London transferred schools and our friendship kind of fizzled.  It was painful.  It got lonely.  We saw each other less and less until we didn't see each other at all.  I thought I would never have another friend like that again (remember, I am young here).  Luckily, Karie came into my life not long after London left.  I don't know how we became friends.  We were total opposites!  She was loud, opinionated, and extrovert, always looking for attention.  I was quiet, kept my mouth shut, an introvert, and tried to blend into a crowd.  We met when I was in 8th grade and she was in 7th.  I thought she was the most annoying person I had ever met!  Eventually I started seeing the amazing side of Karie and we became inseparable all through high school.  We even went to college together! In that case, I ended up hurting her when I mad the decision to drop out and move to Arkansas.  I am so grateful our friendship still stands today.  We really had our ups and downs all through the years.  I miss her terribly.  Too many miles in between us now.  I look forward to next summer when I go back to Utah and visit!

I have had other wonderful friendships in my life.  Kelly was a great friend, so was Amanda and Jennifer.  Kenna and I were pretty close until she went off to college.  Gary was friend I met at summer camp who continued to be a close friend for many years after.  Then there was Andy.  He changed my life forever.  I still morn him.  It has been almost two months since his death and I still grieve. These people have left indelible legacies in my life.  I still speak to most of them (thank you, facebook!).  I consider these people my friends, even today.  I love them all so much!

Now, to the present.  I have one person I know I can call a friend.  Jenny.  She has always accepted me for who I am.  No questions asked.  She and her husband, Matt, have always been loving and caring to me and my family.  They never seemed to care that Billie doesn't attend church.  I never felt left out with them.  They moved away last summer and things just haven't been the same.  I feel like I am left out of quite a bit of things now.  The people who I thought were friends have become very clicky.  I am on the outside looking in.  It is extremely lonely.  I have started to realize these people were more acquaintances to me now.  It has to be true.  I am sure they think of me the same way.  I am a church acquaintance.  Someone they know but are not emotionally tied to.  It is really hard. 

My friend, Jenny, told me a story once about how she prayed for a friend for her son.  She knew God had someone special for him out there.  God answered that prayer and her son found a wonderful friend.  I started doing the same thing for my daughter.  I pray consistently that God would bring a wonderful friend to her.  She gets lonely, too.  She is a great kid but she can be a little quirky and little girls don't really like to play with her.  She isn't a girly-girl so it can be hard for her to connect.  Now, as I pray for her to get her special friend, I have added a new prayer.  I never pray for myself except for patience with my kids, patience with my husband, good health, and to be what He wants me to be. I have started praying that not only would God bring my daughter a good friend but He would also show me a good one, too.  I am tired to being lonely and having only tv friends.  I need a friend.

Grow up and act my age!!

I still find myself falling victim to stupid and childish failures.  Do you remember in school when you would see two people standing off in a corner talking and every once in awhile they would look over at you and you knew right then, yeah, they are talking about me.  Do you ever outgrow such silliness?  I am beginning to think not.

I spend lots of time building up the self esteem of all 4 of my kids.  As someone who had their self esteem torn down on a daily basis by a parent, I find it extremely important that my children never feel what I felt growing up.  I want them to stand strong in themselves and strong in the Lord.  Things I still struggle with to this day.  I never want them to doubt themselves like I do regularly.  This has been a mission of mine since the moment they were placed in my arms the day they were born.  My children were never going to feel the daily pain I feel.  They will be able to look at themselves in the mirror and like what they see.

The reason I bring this up is because I got caught up in yet another stupid, childish moment this weekend.  I was teaching my class of preschoolers.  Church was about to be over when I thought I would go collect the teaching supplies from the other classroom (we combined classes that day) so it would be easier for the person who makes them to pick them up.  I opened the door and saw two ladies standing there talking.  One looked up at me with a kind of "deer in the headlights" kind of look.  She asked me what I was doing.  I told her.  They both looked really uncomfortable.  I got the supplies from her and shut the door.  Then I heard that old voice in my head.  Yeah, they were talking about you.  The confidence I had built up that day (I was going to meet with the children's church teachers) just fell straight to the ground and I felt as low as the floor.  I have no reason to believe these women even mentioned my name but because I have very bad self esteem, I just assumed they were by how they acted when I saw them.  I felt very bad the rest of the day. 

I am not a strong person.  When people tell me I am I laugh at them (internally).  How can I be a strong person when little things like this still upset me so much?  I feel as weak as I did when I was younger.  I am not a natural born leader.  I am a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants type of personality.  I do my best with what I am supposed to do and hope it is enough.  I constantly feel condemnation from people who could probably do a much better job then me.  I do have to say that I do pour my heart and soul into any job I am given (children's church leader, Moppettes leader).  No one can ever say I don't have heart!  I feel like all my flaws are sitting on the outside and everyone can see them.  Also, I have no confidant to talk these things out with either so the build inside.  I have a notebook that hears all my things. 

I am so tired of this.  I am too old to play stupid childish games.  How old do you have to be to convince yourself that not everyone is looking at you in a negative way?  When will I finally get the self esteem I have wanted for so long?  Am I hurting my own children by being this way?  As I deal with the deck that God has dealt me I see that my hand is not an easy one.  This must be another thing God is dealing with my on.  I want to be the strong woman people say that I am.  I don't see that woman.  I never have.  When I look in the mirror I see a weak and pathetic soul that can't grow up and act her age.  I don't like what I see.  I need to change it so maybe I would be granted the prayer I pray almost every day, a friend.  A person.  A confidant.  I can understand why people don't want to be around me.  I am not an easy person to deal with.  I am trying to change that.  I am a work in progress.

Borrowed time

I had a rare and wonderful moment to get the sit and listen to the sermon this past Sunday.  I normally have to work with the children so I really do cherish the few times I get to be with the congregation.  I am so glad I did this week.  It really left me pondering.  It was a message I needed to hear to remind me that we are all just on borrowed time here on this earth.  Do we make the most of what time we have?  I know there are times I know I don't make the most of my time here on earth.  It is something I would like to change.  When my time here on this earth is over, will I have done everything I was supposed to do?

Over the last few years I have seen people whose time on this earth has been cut short.  I have dealt with many questions over their passings.  My friend's passing recently has really got me thinking more about this subject.  I really dealt with anger about his passing.  He was only 36 years old!  He had so much more life to live!  He had a young son who needed him.  How could God take this man!  He is still needed!  I have struggled a lot with this anger.  On my walks I have asked God many times Why!  Why is he gone!  It has bothered me so much.  I really wanted God to come here to earth, look at me in the eye, and give me the explanation I so desperately needed.  I just couldn't seem to get peace in this. 

When I got to church on Sunday I wasn't expecting much.  I set up for children's church and then took the girls and went and sat in our spot.  Didn't really get to worship due to Lainey and Macey playing around and had so much stuff on my mind, I wasn't expecting to be able to pay attention to Pastor Toby.  I had know idea that God was going to talk to me that morning.  He may not have come to earth and looked me in the eye, but he gave the answers I needed through Pastor Toby.  He preached on how we are all on borrowed time and what have we done so far?  We never know what tomorrow is going to hold.  We may not be here in the next 5 minutes.  What have you done with your life?  Are you living it for God?  Have you accomplished what you are suppose to accomplish?  God knows when we will leave this earth.  It isn't a surprise to him when these things happen.  He isn't surprised when a plane crashes or an accident happens or when you might not wake up one morning.  What are you going to do with your borrowed time?  These words were comforting to me.  My friend's death was not a surprise to God.  He knew he was coming.  He may not have been able to accomplish everything he wanted to do but God said he had done enough. 

I still miss him everyday.  It hurts to know I won't see him again on this earth.  It still doesn't seem completely real.  My anger, though, has gone.  And I know I have to stay on the path God wants me on until my time comes.  I want to be met by God and hear him say "Well done".  The changes I am making right now will keep me going on the track I am suppose to be on.  So, What are you doing with your borrowed time?

If you have a few minutes, take a look at this video.  It will really put things in perspective.  It did for me.

http://youtu.be/cLj4akmncsA

Teenage Testimony

It was the fall of 1987, My 7th grade year. It had already started off rough. My family had left the Mormon church the spring before so I started Jr. High being someone the kids were told to avoid. I had one friend, London, and she was it. We were very close. Unfortunately we didn't have many classes together so it got pretty lonely.

A few weeks into the school year my mom came home and told me she found a group for me to join. A youth group. The church we were attending didn't have a youth group. We barely had 50 members. Mom said it was it was a youth group for kids from all the churches in the town. Now, you have to realize that Brigham City is a small town and the non-Mormon churches were very small. None of the churches had enough kids to form a youth group so a man named Neil decided to make an interdenominational youth group for all the teens in town. He had it at his house every Wednesday night. My mom decided I needed to join this group. I was very nervous! I was extremely shy as a kid so I was almost sick to my stomach the first Wednesday night my mom took me to Neil's house. We walked in and met Neil. We then met the other leader, Sharon and her two kids, Greg and Kenna. There weren't very many kids in this group. A handful at the most. Mom said goodbye and left me there. I loved it! It was amazing! When she picked me up I talked her ear off about what a wonderful time I had. It was the beginning of an amazing time in my life.

I made great friends in my youth group. We did all sorts of fun activities. We had retreats twice a year, went to camp every summer, had bible study every Wednesday night and activities almost every Saturday. I remember bowling and skating and movie nights.I even got to take a trip to Wahington State when I was 13 to study another youth program! My best friend, London also joined the group so it made it even better! I learned so much! I gave my life to Christ (for real) at summer camp in 1988. I was able to have a safe place to talk about problems at home. It felt like a second home to me. I just knew I would make it all the way through high school and come back to be a helper in this group! Little did I know that that wasn't going to happen.

I believe it was 1990. The summer between my 9th and 10th grade years. We were planning an incredible trip to Jackson Hole, Wyoming. I was so excited. I had been rafting down small rapids before but never down the big rapids! My brother, Ryan, was going to go, too. He had just joined the youth group. Something was brewing before this trip but nothing was said. We went and had a great time. Then we went to summer camp. My mom was beginning to prepare me for what was to come but I didn't know it yet. After camp, the ball dropped. We found out that Neil, our leader, was having an inappropriate relationship with one of the girls in the group. They had been dating for quite some time. They were planning on getting married. We were shocked. Parents were outraged. I was crushed. What was going to happen to my beloved youth group? About a month later, Neil called our last meeting, said some very harsh things, and that was the end. Our youth group was gone.

We were shattered. Several of us had looked to Neil as a father figure. He broke our hearts. He broke our trust. We didn't know what to do. We just couldn't really recover from such a huge blow. We were scattered again to our various churches and they scrambled to put together youth groups to fill the gap that was left. It just couldn't work. Our group members just couldn't recover from this. Some that had come out of the Mormon church ended up returning. Others walked away from God all together. A couple of us still stuck it out in 1991 and went to summer camp under our youth group name but that was the last year. We had to latch onto a church to get to go after that. It was devastating. Neil married the girl and I believe they are still married today. I haven't seen him since that last meeting and I really don't feel like I would ever want to again. His scandal took down a strong group of Christian teens in a town where we had to fight for everything. We were never the same. The church I belonged to tried to start a youth group but the couple who took it over couldn't do anything with it and it dissolved within a year. It was all over.

Why did I share this? Because I believe very strongly that when you stand in leadership of a youth group, you must be very careful. You have to watch the skeletons that may be in your closet or anything that may taint you in the eyes of the teens who trust you. Teens are a tough group. They trust with everything they have and when that trust is broken, it sometimes cannot be repaired. It could damage the teen long into their adult years. I still bare the scars of mine. You are the safe place for the teens to go. Make sure your closet it clean before you let them in. I am not saying this to any specific person. I stand in leadership of the Children's Ministry in my church now so I hold myself to these same standards. Those kids have a trust in me that I cannot break, no matter what happens. I don't ever want ever want to hurt those children the way my youth leader hurt me.

A wise Pastor said once that God looks at people in leadership differently. He judges them more harshly than most because people follow what they do and say. If a leader leads his followers in the wrong direction, the God will judge him more harsh than the followers. The leader should know better. Every time I stand teaching my kids at church, I keep that in the back of my mind. How is God going to judge me as a leader? Maybe if more people did this than there would be a lot less heartbreak.

I felt God today

I walked the kiddos up to the end of the driveway this morning and it was such a beautiful sunrise. The air was cool and crisp. I just breathed in the smell of spring all around me. So pretty. I knew that something special would happen today.

I planned to meet a friend and buy a couple of dresses from her. I felt it would be a great day for a walk. I grabbed my mp3 player, put on some comfortable clothes, pulled my hair back, and headed into town. I met my friend and got the dresses then took off to the park. I pulled into the parking lot and there wasn't a car around. Yay! I get the walking trail all to myself. I picked up my mp3 player and put it on shuffle. I knew I had all types of music on there, worship, contemporary, dance. I just wanted something to keep my step to. Little did I know what God had in store through the little mp3 player.

First song was country. "Don't Blink" by Kenny Chesney. Great reflection song. I thought about how fast time has gone by and how my kids were growing up way too fast. Next was "The Way you Love Me" by Faith Hill. Cute, Sweet, reminded me how much I love my family. Next was "Amazing Grace" by Chris Tomlin. Thought of my friend who passed away last week. Next was "Water Rises" by Corinne Chapman. Thought about the struggles I have had recently. How I seem to get through them but then more come up. Just never ending. Then it happened. I had two worship songs (I cannot remember the names but they were powerful). God was speaking to me through these songs. He was reminding me that He is here with me. I am not alone. I have felt so alone lately. Then "Healing Rain" by Michael W. Smith came on. I was in tears. I was really glad no one else was on this trail because I was in full blown cry mode. I realized I was angry. Angry about so many things. I listened to the words of that song. I hit my heart so hard. Before I knew it my hands were lifted and I was worshipping. I was healing. I gave in. Next thing I felt was arms holding me. He was right there with me! On the trail! He was giving me a huge bear hug. I have never felt that feeling before. Not like that. It was so amazing.

I had only planned to walk a mile (2 figure 8s around the park) but I just couldn't stop. I wanted to hear more. Next song was "Who you'd be Today" by Kenny Chesney. I thought again about my friend. I have been so angry about his death. It didn't seem fair that he was gone. It was not making sense to me. When that song came on I had let the anger go. I was accepting his death. I could actually smile about the fact he is in Heaven and I will see him again someday. The next song was "Live Like We're Dying" by Kris Allen. I thought about how each day needs to matter. Live each day to the fullest. You just never know. Then to finish off my now 2 mile walk I had another wonderful worship song. I felt so full. I felt so free. I felt God today in the park. I had been asking Him where He was and He answered me. I just can't even describe how it felt. It is all mine.

Now I know that I am going to continue to fight the evils and cancers and bad things that the enemy keeps throwing my way. The enemy continuously keeps breaking down anything good. When I start feeling bogged down by the pains of this earth I am going to go back to the park and the huge bear hug I got from God. I felt so safe. I will hold on to that feeling for the rest of my life. Looking forward to my next walk in the park!