taking a step forward

I had to step away from this blog for a couple of  months to deal with some personal issues in my life.  I had never intended for this blog to be a place to whine or attack or upset anyone and if that has happened at anytime, I am very sorry.  I thought this blog would be my safe place to put my thoughts down. 

This past year has had a lot of ups and downs.  I realized that I stepped back into a pattern where I was playing a victim to a spirit of rejection once again.  It is a spirit that rears its ugly head at me from time to time.  Normally, I can fight it off and it doesn't last long but this time, it took root and grew.  I didn't fight like I should have.  I let things get to me and I ended up pulling away into my own self instead of reaching out and asking for help.  It took nearly a full year for me to finally begin to fight. I have taken many steps to right the wrongs I have done but I am far from done.  I am imperfect.  As one of my favorite songs states " I am not good enough but He still loves me".  God is showing me how to fight this spirit off for good.  No more relapses into this darkness.

When I was at my lowest point, it was early summer.  I went to my mom's house to visit.  She was fixing to go back to work so we were taking advantage of what time we had left before they hit the road again.  My mom has always seen things in me that I never let anyone else know about.  She knew I was struggling.  She hounded me until I broke.  I told her about how lonely I felt in my life.  How I felt like I didn't have any friends, how I didn't feel like a member of my church anymore, how I was missing my MOPS group terribly.  I felt rejected and hurt.  My mom knows my past (of course) and how rejection has played a major part in my life.  It felt good to talk to her.  She was the first person I talked to.  She wasn't the last, thank goodness!

In July, My good friend, Jenny, came to visit from Pittsburgh.  She was the person I went to when I got overwhelmed with things and when she moved away, I think that was when that awful spirit took root.  She knew something was wrong from phone conversations we had had and we had a great talk at Chic-Fil-A.  It was exactly what I needed.  I knew I was on the right track to getting better.  She also suggested I talk to my Pastor's wife about the issues at church.  After a couple of months, I finally made that appointment.  Amy (the Pastor's wife) met me one Wednesday before church.  I explained how I was feeling like I didn't belong in the congregation.  I just laid it all out for her.  It felt so good.  She was so understanding.  I knew I was on the right track.  I was feeling better and it was going to be ok.  I just had a couple more things to take care of before I would be done with it all.

I am stuck on these last two things.  The first one is an appointment with a Doctor.  The second is to meet with the women in my church who I feel have hurt me.  That's the tough one.  I am so nervous about telling these women about this.  I don't want to hurt them and I also don't want to be a gossip story between them.  It will take a lot of trust to talk to them and I don't know if  I can do it.  Trust is a hard issue for me.  Trust has caused me a lot of heartbreak. 

So,  that is where I am now.  I will get up the nerve to have that meeting.  And soon!  I want to get better and I know this is a step to doing that.  After a lot of prayer and talks with women who have helped me to see things in a different light, I will beat this!  I will not let rejection be a part of my life anymore.  I will take that step forward and live that life that God has intended and be a good role model for me kids!

I have dropped the ball

This time last year I was on fire to lose weight.  I started out really good.  I was watching what I was eating, exercising, really trying.  I thought I would be down quite a bit of weight by now.  Unfortunately, that has not happened.  I have dropped the ball.  I have let stress, sadness, loneliness, and just outright depression take hold of my life and I have not done what I set out to do.  Nothing new for me.  I have always had a really bad habit of not finishing what I start.  I am so disappointed in myself right now.  How can I change something that has completely taken over my life?  I am so tired of being overweight!  All I can remember is this time last year I was happy.  Happier than I have been in a very long time.  I felt love and acceptance in every place I went.  I was content.  It is amazing how  a year can change so much.

I had lost up to 22 pounds by November of last year.  Right before Billie's back surgery.  His surgery kind of threw me into a spin.  I was stressed all the time.  He was the sole bread winner for the family.  I was scared that I wasn't going to be able to pay our bills or buy food.  I prayed constantly.  I knew God was with us and helping us out but me being such a control freak, I worried a lot.  Thanks to my precious MOPS ladies who supplied dinners for us for about a month, the church for their generous gift to help pay bills, and Billie's bonus check, we made it two months without a real paycheck.  It was rough, but we made it.  My stress got the best of me, though and I started to eat my feelings again.  I fell off the program I had been on for months.  I kept telling myself I would start back but I didn't.  The more stress I had, the more I seemed to eat.  I have packed back on 8 pounds. 

I started walking at the park in the spring.  I love it.  It is really freeing.  I walk around 2 miles (sometimes 2 and a half when my leg isn't hurting).  I know it isn't much to some but it is a good start for me.  I would go at least 3 times a week.  I haven't gone in over 2 weeks now.  I used the excuses like I am not feeling well or it is too hot but the truth is I have just been too depressed to go.  Walking makes me feel good and I haven't felt good in awhile.  It is a fight.  I am dealing with some things right now that have seemed to just take over.  For some reason I just can't seem to shake this sadness and loneliness.  I know I need to walk it out.  I am going to force myself to walk it out.  The more I put it off, the more upset I get with myself.  I think I am under attack right now and I just don't have the strength to fight it off. 

I want to be healthy for myself, for my family, for my future.  I have been overweight for 13 years now.  People I know now have never seen me thin.  I was never rail thin but I was much thinner than this.  It is such a battle for me.  Food is my comfort.  It takes away the pain for the moment then I feel worse after.  I want to change.  I keep trying to change.  I am weak.

I am going to put myself back on track Monday.  Back on the program.  Back to eating right.  Back to walking.  I want to beat this.  I want to look in the mirror and not see a round, fat face staring back at me.  I can't even stand to have my picture taken because my face is so fat.  My eyes squint up and I look awful.  Maybe if I can get control over this battle, the other battles I fight won't seem so much.

Friend vs. Aquaintance

So, In the last months or so I have really been contemplating if I have friends or do I have acquaintances.  It seems like an easy question, doesn't it.  Do you have friends?  The older I get, the more the question weighs on my mind.  Who are these people I surround myself with?  How do I view them?  Better question, what do they see me as? 

Miriam Webster's dictionary  defines a "friend" as 1-One attached to another by affection or esteem, 2-One that is not hostile, 3-A favored companion.  It also defines acquaintance as 1-Personal knowledge, 2-A person whom one knows but who is not a particularly close friend.  Seems pretty cut and dry.  A friend is someone drawn to you by affection while acquaintance is someone who knows you but has no personal attachment.  After reading these definitions, I started looking back on people in my life.  I know I have had friends.  People who have been major parts of my life.  People who I still speak to (even on facebook) and miss them terribly.  I haven't had many friends like that in the past few years.  I have actually felt extremely alone.  Almost pathetic,  my "friends" now a days are characters on tv shows.  I feel more connected to made up people than to people in my life.  I am beginning to think I have surrounded myself with acquaintances rather than friends.

I have always been the person who feels like the odd one out.  Through different challenges in my past I have been very isolated.  God, fortunately, put some amazing people in my life.  My oldest friend (not in age but in number of years I have known her) is London.  We met in the 4th grade.  We were close for many years.  In the 8th grade London transferred schools and our friendship kind of fizzled.  It was painful.  It got lonely.  We saw each other less and less until we didn't see each other at all.  I thought I would never have another friend like that again (remember, I am young here).  Luckily, Karie came into my life not long after London left.  I don't know how we became friends.  We were total opposites!  She was loud, opinionated, and extrovert, always looking for attention.  I was quiet, kept my mouth shut, an introvert, and tried to blend into a crowd.  We met when I was in 8th grade and she was in 7th.  I thought she was the most annoying person I had ever met!  Eventually I started seeing the amazing side of Karie and we became inseparable all through high school.  We even went to college together! In that case, I ended up hurting her when I mad the decision to drop out and move to Arkansas.  I am so grateful our friendship still stands today.  We really had our ups and downs all through the years.  I miss her terribly.  Too many miles in between us now.  I look forward to next summer when I go back to Utah and visit!

I have had other wonderful friendships in my life.  Kelly was a great friend, so was Amanda and Jennifer.  Kenna and I were pretty close until she went off to college.  Gary was friend I met at summer camp who continued to be a close friend for many years after.  Then there was Andy.  He changed my life forever.  I still morn him.  It has been almost two months since his death and I still grieve. These people have left indelible legacies in my life.  I still speak to most of them (thank you, facebook!).  I consider these people my friends, even today.  I love them all so much!

Now, to the present.  I have one person I know I can call a friend.  Jenny.  She has always accepted me for who I am.  No questions asked.  She and her husband, Matt, have always been loving and caring to me and my family.  They never seemed to care that Billie doesn't attend church.  I never felt left out with them.  They moved away last summer and things just haven't been the same.  I feel like I am left out of quite a bit of things now.  The people who I thought were friends have become very clicky.  I am on the outside looking in.  It is extremely lonely.  I have started to realize these people were more acquaintances to me now.  It has to be true.  I am sure they think of me the same way.  I am a church acquaintance.  Someone they know but are not emotionally tied to.  It is really hard. 

My friend, Jenny, told me a story once about how she prayed for a friend for her son.  She knew God had someone special for him out there.  God answered that prayer and her son found a wonderful friend.  I started doing the same thing for my daughter.  I pray consistently that God would bring a wonderful friend to her.  She gets lonely, too.  She is a great kid but she can be a little quirky and little girls don't really like to play with her.  She isn't a girly-girl so it can be hard for her to connect.  Now, as I pray for her to get her special friend, I have added a new prayer.  I never pray for myself except for patience with my kids, patience with my husband, good health, and to be what He wants me to be. I have started praying that not only would God bring my daughter a good friend but He would also show me a good one, too.  I am tired to being lonely and having only tv friends.  I need a friend.

Grow up and act my age!!

I still find myself falling victim to stupid and childish failures.  Do you remember in school when you would see two people standing off in a corner talking and every once in awhile they would look over at you and you knew right then, yeah, they are talking about me.  Do you ever outgrow such silliness?  I am beginning to think not.

I spend lots of time building up the self esteem of all 4 of my kids.  As someone who had their self esteem torn down on a daily basis by a parent, I find it extremely important that my children never feel what I felt growing up.  I want them to stand strong in themselves and strong in the Lord.  Things I still struggle with to this day.  I never want them to doubt themselves like I do regularly.  This has been a mission of mine since the moment they were placed in my arms the day they were born.  My children were never going to feel the daily pain I feel.  They will be able to look at themselves in the mirror and like what they see.

The reason I bring this up is because I got caught up in yet another stupid, childish moment this weekend.  I was teaching my class of preschoolers.  Church was about to be over when I thought I would go collect the teaching supplies from the other classroom (we combined classes that day) so it would be easier for the person who makes them to pick them up.  I opened the door and saw two ladies standing there talking.  One looked up at me with a kind of "deer in the headlights" kind of look.  She asked me what I was doing.  I told her.  They both looked really uncomfortable.  I got the supplies from her and shut the door.  Then I heard that old voice in my head.  Yeah, they were talking about you.  The confidence I had built up that day (I was going to meet with the children's church teachers) just fell straight to the ground and I felt as low as the floor.  I have no reason to believe these women even mentioned my name but because I have very bad self esteem, I just assumed they were by how they acted when I saw them.  I felt very bad the rest of the day. 

I am not a strong person.  When people tell me I am I laugh at them (internally).  How can I be a strong person when little things like this still upset me so much?  I feel as weak as I did when I was younger.  I am not a natural born leader.  I am a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants type of personality.  I do my best with what I am supposed to do and hope it is enough.  I constantly feel condemnation from people who could probably do a much better job then me.  I do have to say that I do pour my heart and soul into any job I am given (children's church leader, Moppettes leader).  No one can ever say I don't have heart!  I feel like all my flaws are sitting on the outside and everyone can see them.  Also, I have no confidant to talk these things out with either so the build inside.  I have a notebook that hears all my things. 

I am so tired of this.  I am too old to play stupid childish games.  How old do you have to be to convince yourself that not everyone is looking at you in a negative way?  When will I finally get the self esteem I have wanted for so long?  Am I hurting my own children by being this way?  As I deal with the deck that God has dealt me I see that my hand is not an easy one.  This must be another thing God is dealing with my on.  I want to be the strong woman people say that I am.  I don't see that woman.  I never have.  When I look in the mirror I see a weak and pathetic soul that can't grow up and act her age.  I don't like what I see.  I need to change it so maybe I would be granted the prayer I pray almost every day, a friend.  A person.  A confidant.  I can understand why people don't want to be around me.  I am not an easy person to deal with.  I am trying to change that.  I am a work in progress.

Borrowed time

I had a rare and wonderful moment to get the sit and listen to the sermon this past Sunday.  I normally have to work with the children so I really do cherish the few times I get to be with the congregation.  I am so glad I did this week.  It really left me pondering.  It was a message I needed to hear to remind me that we are all just on borrowed time here on this earth.  Do we make the most of what time we have?  I know there are times I know I don't make the most of my time here on earth.  It is something I would like to change.  When my time here on this earth is over, will I have done everything I was supposed to do?

Over the last few years I have seen people whose time on this earth has been cut short.  I have dealt with many questions over their passings.  My friend's passing recently has really got me thinking more about this subject.  I really dealt with anger about his passing.  He was only 36 years old!  He had so much more life to live!  He had a young son who needed him.  How could God take this man!  He is still needed!  I have struggled a lot with this anger.  On my walks I have asked God many times Why!  Why is he gone!  It has bothered me so much.  I really wanted God to come here to earth, look at me in the eye, and give me the explanation I so desperately needed.  I just couldn't seem to get peace in this. 

When I got to church on Sunday I wasn't expecting much.  I set up for children's church and then took the girls and went and sat in our spot.  Didn't really get to worship due to Lainey and Macey playing around and had so much stuff on my mind, I wasn't expecting to be able to pay attention to Pastor Toby.  I had know idea that God was going to talk to me that morning.  He may not have come to earth and looked me in the eye, but he gave the answers I needed through Pastor Toby.  He preached on how we are all on borrowed time and what have we done so far?  We never know what tomorrow is going to hold.  We may not be here in the next 5 minutes.  What have you done with your life?  Are you living it for God?  Have you accomplished what you are suppose to accomplish?  God knows when we will leave this earth.  It isn't a surprise to him when these things happen.  He isn't surprised when a plane crashes or an accident happens or when you might not wake up one morning.  What are you going to do with your borrowed time?  These words were comforting to me.  My friend's death was not a surprise to God.  He knew he was coming.  He may not have been able to accomplish everything he wanted to do but God said he had done enough. 

I still miss him everyday.  It hurts to know I won't see him again on this earth.  It still doesn't seem completely real.  My anger, though, has gone.  And I know I have to stay on the path God wants me on until my time comes.  I want to be met by God and hear him say "Well done".  The changes I am making right now will keep me going on the track I am suppose to be on.  So, What are you doing with your borrowed time?

If you have a few minutes, take a look at this video.  It will really put things in perspective.  It did for me.

http://youtu.be/cLj4akmncsA

Teenage Testimony

It was the fall of 1987, My 7th grade year. It had already started off rough. My family had left the Mormon church the spring before so I started Jr. High being someone the kids were told to avoid. I had one friend, London, and she was it. We were very close. Unfortunately we didn't have many classes together so it got pretty lonely.

A few weeks into the school year my mom came home and told me she found a group for me to join. A youth group. The church we were attending didn't have a youth group. We barely had 50 members. Mom said it was it was a youth group for kids from all the churches in the town. Now, you have to realize that Brigham City is a small town and the non-Mormon churches were very small. None of the churches had enough kids to form a youth group so a man named Neil decided to make an interdenominational youth group for all the teens in town. He had it at his house every Wednesday night. My mom decided I needed to join this group. I was very nervous! I was extremely shy as a kid so I was almost sick to my stomach the first Wednesday night my mom took me to Neil's house. We walked in and met Neil. We then met the other leader, Sharon and her two kids, Greg and Kenna. There weren't very many kids in this group. A handful at the most. Mom said goodbye and left me there. I loved it! It was amazing! When she picked me up I talked her ear off about what a wonderful time I had. It was the beginning of an amazing time in my life.

I made great friends in my youth group. We did all sorts of fun activities. We had retreats twice a year, went to camp every summer, had bible study every Wednesday night and activities almost every Saturday. I remember bowling and skating and movie nights.I even got to take a trip to Wahington State when I was 13 to study another youth program! My best friend, London also joined the group so it made it even better! I learned so much! I gave my life to Christ (for real) at summer camp in 1988. I was able to have a safe place to talk about problems at home. It felt like a second home to me. I just knew I would make it all the way through high school and come back to be a helper in this group! Little did I know that that wasn't going to happen.

I believe it was 1990. The summer between my 9th and 10th grade years. We were planning an incredible trip to Jackson Hole, Wyoming. I was so excited. I had been rafting down small rapids before but never down the big rapids! My brother, Ryan, was going to go, too. He had just joined the youth group. Something was brewing before this trip but nothing was said. We went and had a great time. Then we went to summer camp. My mom was beginning to prepare me for what was to come but I didn't know it yet. After camp, the ball dropped. We found out that Neil, our leader, was having an inappropriate relationship with one of the girls in the group. They had been dating for quite some time. They were planning on getting married. We were shocked. Parents were outraged. I was crushed. What was going to happen to my beloved youth group? About a month later, Neil called our last meeting, said some very harsh things, and that was the end. Our youth group was gone.

We were shattered. Several of us had looked to Neil as a father figure. He broke our hearts. He broke our trust. We didn't know what to do. We just couldn't really recover from such a huge blow. We were scattered again to our various churches and they scrambled to put together youth groups to fill the gap that was left. It just couldn't work. Our group members just couldn't recover from this. Some that had come out of the Mormon church ended up returning. Others walked away from God all together. A couple of us still stuck it out in 1991 and went to summer camp under our youth group name but that was the last year. We had to latch onto a church to get to go after that. It was devastating. Neil married the girl and I believe they are still married today. I haven't seen him since that last meeting and I really don't feel like I would ever want to again. His scandal took down a strong group of Christian teens in a town where we had to fight for everything. We were never the same. The church I belonged to tried to start a youth group but the couple who took it over couldn't do anything with it and it dissolved within a year. It was all over.

Why did I share this? Because I believe very strongly that when you stand in leadership of a youth group, you must be very careful. You have to watch the skeletons that may be in your closet or anything that may taint you in the eyes of the teens who trust you. Teens are a tough group. They trust with everything they have and when that trust is broken, it sometimes cannot be repaired. It could damage the teen long into their adult years. I still bare the scars of mine. You are the safe place for the teens to go. Make sure your closet it clean before you let them in. I am not saying this to any specific person. I stand in leadership of the Children's Ministry in my church now so I hold myself to these same standards. Those kids have a trust in me that I cannot break, no matter what happens. I don't ever want ever want to hurt those children the way my youth leader hurt me.

A wise Pastor said once that God looks at people in leadership differently. He judges them more harshly than most because people follow what they do and say. If a leader leads his followers in the wrong direction, the God will judge him more harsh than the followers. The leader should know better. Every time I stand teaching my kids at church, I keep that in the back of my mind. How is God going to judge me as a leader? Maybe if more people did this than there would be a lot less heartbreak.

I felt God today

I walked the kiddos up to the end of the driveway this morning and it was such a beautiful sunrise. The air was cool and crisp. I just breathed in the smell of spring all around me. So pretty. I knew that something special would happen today.

I planned to meet a friend and buy a couple of dresses from her. I felt it would be a great day for a walk. I grabbed my mp3 player, put on some comfortable clothes, pulled my hair back, and headed into town. I met my friend and got the dresses then took off to the park. I pulled into the parking lot and there wasn't a car around. Yay! I get the walking trail all to myself. I picked up my mp3 player and put it on shuffle. I knew I had all types of music on there, worship, contemporary, dance. I just wanted something to keep my step to. Little did I know what God had in store through the little mp3 player.

First song was country. "Don't Blink" by Kenny Chesney. Great reflection song. I thought about how fast time has gone by and how my kids were growing up way too fast. Next was "The Way you Love Me" by Faith Hill. Cute, Sweet, reminded me how much I love my family. Next was "Amazing Grace" by Chris Tomlin. Thought of my friend who passed away last week. Next was "Water Rises" by Corinne Chapman. Thought about the struggles I have had recently. How I seem to get through them but then more come up. Just never ending. Then it happened. I had two worship songs (I cannot remember the names but they were powerful). God was speaking to me through these songs. He was reminding me that He is here with me. I am not alone. I have felt so alone lately. Then "Healing Rain" by Michael W. Smith came on. I was in tears. I was really glad no one else was on this trail because I was in full blown cry mode. I realized I was angry. Angry about so many things. I listened to the words of that song. I hit my heart so hard. Before I knew it my hands were lifted and I was worshipping. I was healing. I gave in. Next thing I felt was arms holding me. He was right there with me! On the trail! He was giving me a huge bear hug. I have never felt that feeling before. Not like that. It was so amazing.

I had only planned to walk a mile (2 figure 8s around the park) but I just couldn't stop. I wanted to hear more. Next song was "Who you'd be Today" by Kenny Chesney. I thought again about my friend. I have been so angry about his death. It didn't seem fair that he was gone. It was not making sense to me. When that song came on I had let the anger go. I was accepting his death. I could actually smile about the fact he is in Heaven and I will see him again someday. The next song was "Live Like We're Dying" by Kris Allen. I thought about how each day needs to matter. Live each day to the fullest. You just never know. Then to finish off my now 2 mile walk I had another wonderful worship song. I felt so full. I felt so free. I felt God today in the park. I had been asking Him where He was and He answered me. I just can't even describe how it felt. It is all mine.

Now I know that I am going to continue to fight the evils and cancers and bad things that the enemy keeps throwing my way. The enemy continuously keeps breaking down anything good. When I start feeling bogged down by the pains of this earth I am going to go back to the park and the huge bear hug I got from God. I felt so safe. I will hold on to that feeling for the rest of my life. Looking forward to my next walk in the park!

Good-bye, dear friend

It was the summer of1992 when Andrew Jensen came into my life. It was a very complicated time in my life. I was about to start my senior year in high school and my parents were just about the separate. 17 can be hard enough without adding complications.

It was at summer camp where I came face to face with this short, stalky, not too bad looking young man with an amazing smile. We hit it off right away. I think we spent most of the first day of camp just talking and getting to know each other. We had a lot in common. We were the same age. We had come out of the same situation. We were both dealing with the fallout of that situation. It was the beginning of a friendship that would play a major role in my life.

Andy and I didn't go to the same school. He lived in a town about 25 minutes from Brigham City (my hometown). His family started coming to church at the church we went to so we got to see each other every Sunday. He and his brother, Ben, became good friends with my brother, Ryan. We all got pretty close. I even asked Andy to the Sadie Hawkins dance at my school. We went with my 2 best friends and their dates. I still remember every moment of that night. It was one of those times that you look back on when you are having a bad day and just laugh. It was a really fun night.

Around Christmas that year, Andy's family moved to Brigham City. He started school and we had the same first class. It was a Christian Seminary class. There was a kid in that class who was just taking it to get an easy A. During Andy's first week of school this same kid started calling me some names. He called me a whore and a few choice words. Andy jumped on him and they fought. No, I don't condone the fighting but he was defending his friend, me. No one had ever done that for me. The whole situation ended up ending the Christian seminary class. We didn't have anymore classes together after that.

Through the next months Andy would help my brother and me make it through a divorce, family problems, a new step father, and craziness in general. He was a great friend. I always joked with him and told him he was good for my self esteem. He always made me feel like I was worth something. Did I have a crush on him? DUH!! Of course I did! He was a good looking guy and he gave me attention! Did anything ever happen there? No. Not for lack of trying (on both sides). I think our friendship always got in the way. We forged a bond that was very strong.

I moved to Arkansas in 1994 and lost contact with Andy. I went in over my head into a relationship that nearly killed me. I was a complete mess. By the spring of 1996 my mom was telling me it was time to go back to Utah. She knew if anyone could pull me out of the funk I was in, it would be my friends back home. I hopped a plane that April. My best friend, Karie, talked until she was blue trying to show me that the relationship I was trying to hold onto was toxic and I deserved much better. I wouldn't listen. Karie loved me like a sister and she was so frustrated that I wouldn't listen. She called Andy. He came and we talked for hours. I didn't realize how far on the bottom I was. I had hit rock bottom and was digging farther down. Andy looked me straight in the eye and told me I deserved better. I was worth it. I was a good person and I deserved someone who would love me and treat me with respect. I deserved more that this bad relationship. He broke through. I was finally able to get past that toxic relationship. A few weeks after I return to Arkansas, I met the man I would later marry. I don't think I would have met him if it wasn't for that talk with Andy. I told him later that he helped mend my shattered heart. I will always be grateful to him for what he did for me.

In 1997, I heard a knock at my door. I opened it and Andy was standing on my porch! He and his brother, Ben, had driven from Utah to Arkansas to see my brother and me. I was so happy to see him. They spent 4 or 5 days at our house and those days were amazing. I didn't realize how much I had missed him. We talked for hours. We were good at that. That was the last time I saw Andy face to face. I planned on seeing him next summer when my family took a vacation to Utah. I cannot believe he won't be there. Andy and I reconnected on facebook a couple of years ago. We had several long conversations. He sent me a digital download of his favorite book. I still have it. He would always say I was important to him. I don't know if he knew how important he was to me. I am so thankful he was my friend. I am so thankful he chose me. I look back now and I see we really had a bond. We obviously needed each other.

My dear Andy left this earth early Saturday morning. When I found out my heart instantly broke. I had to shelve my grief for awhile because I had promised my kids a wonderful day trip to Hot Springs. Today is the first day I have actually allowed myself to grieve. Although I haven't seen him in more than 10 years, I will miss him the rest of my life. He was my special someone who loved me for me and nothing ever changed it. I thank God for bringing him into my life.

Thank you, Andy, for being my friend. For helping me through some tough times. For showing me kindness and happiness. This earth just will not be the same without your amazing smile and gigantic heart. I love you, my friend. I know I will see you again.

safe place or lose friends

I am beginning to wonder if having this blog is such a good idea. As therapeutic as it has been for me, I am left with questions. Am I offending people with what I say? People who used to talk to me all the time have quit saying hi. Is it worth it? Is having this safe place worth the friendships it may cost?

When I started this blog it was intended to help me find ways to change. I don't like change. I never have. I like things to stay the same. I am proud to say that I have lived in the same house for 12 years and my kids have always been in the same place. They have been in the same school district. I have had a few changes in my life that have been good. Leaving my job of 11 years in 2005 was a very positive change. I was able to see I was not a good person while working in the environment I was in. I really fell into the gossip and whining. I did not like who I was when I worked there. I know I have made many positive changes from that. Although it was a change I should have made years before I did, I now find it a blessing. I now know what is more important and when I do get back out there and find a job I know that God will provide me with one that will not come in between me and my family. Other positive changes have been becoming a mom, stepping up in church, being in my wonderful MOPS group and now even being a steering team leader there. I have grown as a woman in each of these changes. These are not the changes I am talking about needing help with. It's the minor little things that impact me so hard that I am having a hard time with.

I want to learn to embrace change and become stronger for it. I thought this was my safe place to do it. I really debated even making it a public blog just for this certain reason. The more open I become, the less people want to be around me. I am thinking this might be a mistake. I am very confused.

I love to write. Not just on this blog but putting my feelings into (bad) poetry, writing short stories, plays, etc. I just love to write. It has been a passion of mine since I was in the 5th grade. I have never thought I was very good at it but then I never let people read any of it. When I wrote my first Christmas play for church I was a nervous wreck. It was a lot of exposure. Something I was not used to. My words on display. I even remember in high school when I had to turn my stuff in in my creative writing class or English class I was so nervous. It scared me to death to know someone was going to read my thoughts. Writing this blog has been a HUGE step for me. I have been able to put my feeling down and then for some strange reason people want to see it. I find it crazy. Now, I find it scary. I think some people don't like what I am saying. I am now worried what damage I have done.

In the last couple of posts I have really opened up about how I feel at church. I am thinking some of my fellow church goers are not liking what I am saying. I hope they know I am not saying anything bad about them, I am just trying to get my feelings across. I have no one I feel comfortable talking to anymore so I just bottle it up until I feel like I am going to explode! I wrote a couple of posts right about the explosion time. I am sorry if I offended any one. IT was not my intention to bother anyone. I just thought I had finally found a safe place to face my problems and fix them.

If you don't like what I am writing then please say something. Don't stop talking to me like we are in high school or something. IF you don't like it, don't read it. I can't promise I am going to stop writing here. I may just not post it for the public. I don't know. I am just in a confused state right now and I really don't know what I need to do. This seems to be a very confusing time for a lot of things right now. I don't know what I am supposed to do about many things in my life. I am praying, a lot, so I am just waiting to hear what God wants me to do. The only thing I know for sure is that I am suppose to stay put. That's all I have heard. Don't know what it means and what all it applies to. I am just suppose to stay put. God will lead me where I am suppose to go and what I am suppose to do. I just hope I still have some friends around when this is all done.

Season of Change

Uh oh! I think I am going to get deep! Watch out! I have been thinking about this post all day. I finally came to a big realization today. I realized I was in a season transition. Something I haven't had to do in a long, long time. It scared me. I am now trying to figure out what kind of new season God has in store for me.

I was sitting in my MOPS steering team meeting this morning planning our big "Tea and Testimony " meeting. I just kind of sat back and took in all that was going on around me. It is going to be a great meeting with strong spiritual meanings and they did an incredible job planning it. I was silent, for the most part. I think reality started to hit me, my MOPS days are drawing to a close, fast. I got really sad. My MOPS group has been such a blessing in my life! It helped me overcome my incredible shyness. I have been on the steering team for two years and have learned so much. It all comes to an end in May. I will no longer have preschoolers so I will not be in MOPS anymore. It weighed heavily on my heart for most of the day.

I started praying. I wanted this sadness to go away. I have been dealing with a lot of emotion lately and I just want to be happy again. It has been quite a while. I asked God to please help me figure out why this was all going on. Why did I feel the way I feel? Why was this sadness seem to be overtaking me. I sat back this afternoon and I got my answer. I am transitioning into a new season in my life.

I have been in this season of life for 12 years now. For the past 12 years I have had a constant young child to take care of. I have had a child who needed my constant attention. I had a child who needed me. Starting next fall, all 4 of my kids will be in school. For the first time in 12 years, I will be stepping out into a new season of life. It is scary! What is my new season? What does God have purposed for me? Taking this new step is very scary. I don't handle change well. I handled my fear of change with sadness. I got woe some. Poor me. Pathetic!

I have been saying "it's not my season" for years. I think it became my number one dodger! My kids needed me so I would be there. No questions asked. Now they are all stepping out in new parts of their lives and I am going to be on the outside. Wow! Kind of losing my place in this world (or so it seems)..

I know God has a plan for me. It is just hard to see right now. I feel kind of lost in transition. What does my new season hold for me? A job? A hobby? Anything new? All I can see right now is my kids are growing up way too fast and I am losing my support group! I need to look at this more positively I guess. I get to experience new and exciting change! Things are going to be different but it could be an adventure! Who knows what exciting things are out there for me to discover! A new season, a new me.

Who Am I??

So, Who am I ? Does anyone out there know? You would think this is the easiest question for a person to answer but I sit here stumped! I have many identities but who am I? Here is what I can answer. Raegan: Wife of Billie, Mother of Brittney, Lainey, Macey,and Daniel. Daughter of Alice. Sister of Ryan. Aunt to Ryleigh and Rowan. Children's church leader at Complete in Christ Church, Moppettes coordinator (steering team member) in the Searcy MOPS. That's your basics. But, I think I have lost who I am in the midst of all of this. I don't know who I am anymore.

I have really had trouble trying to figure this out. Been going on for awhile now. I think that is why I have such a hard time connecting with people. Why would someone want to know me when I don't even know myself? I have hidden my true self away from people. I guess I am afraid that no one would like the real me. That stems all the way back to childhood. I fight the demons of rejection and loneliness quite frequently. I build up walls that no one can get around. I have been doing it my whole life. I have been hurt quite a bit in my life. It always seemed that I let my guard down for a friend only to be hurt. I was hoping I would outgrow this but obviously it has followed me into adulthood. It's happening again. I spent many years tearing down my protective walls and now they are up again. A failure to say the least.

This time has been going on since last summer. I still could not tell you what happened but last July during the VBS week, I just felt like something changed between me and my friends from church. It hasn't been the same since. I have felt extremely lonely for months. I spent many nights trying to figure out what had happened. Did I do something to offend these ladies? Were my actions not right? They all just seemed to pull away and our relationships have not been the same. I feel on the offensive all the time. I have just gotten to the point where I almost just avoid contact. It hurts too much. I can't say they have done anything wrong. It could just be this stupid rejection problem I fight on a daily basis. All I can say is that I don't do anything with anyone outside the walls of the church. I have quit home group because I can't seem to fit in anywhere and I don't go to bible studies because I just don't feel accepted there. I just go to church, do my job, hopefully get a week or two to listen to the sermon, and go home. That's it. It is quite a lonely life.

I have prayed over and over again about whether or not I need to leave my church. How can I be this miserable and still go? Every time I pray, I hear a definitive NO! I am not suppose to go anywhere. It's one of those situations where you wish you could see how God's plan is going to work out. I hate having to wait and see! I think that is why I am on this quest to find myself. Maybe if I do, I will be able to have friends again. I mean, really, who wants to be friends with a miserable person? right?

These facts I know. I love what I do. I love working with the kids at church. They7 are a breath of fresh air! I love my MOPS group! I am about to be done with them and the thought really scares me. I have no idea what I am going to do come September! I am not "book smart". Never good in math and some sciences ( I did love physics, though). I guess I can consider myself more creative. I love reading and writing is a passion. I have written 2 children's plays and they have brought me a lot of joy! I love music! I played the violin in school and have considered picking back up again. I love to sing. I have never thought I was good at it but I really love it. I used to sing specials in church when I was a teen. I love dance. I dance all of the time. IT is a release for me. I can turn on any type of music and move. My daughter, Brittney, got a lot of these same traits. She is a very talented dancer and pretty good with a trumpet!

I love my kids. They are my heart. I try so hard to be the best mom I can be. I stumble quite a bit but I really put everything I am into it. I want them to grow up to be strong, smart, caring Christian individuals that have their heads on straight and know who they are and stick to it. I also love my husband. Billie and I have been together for nearly 16 years. He is the love of my life. We have had many ups and downs but we always seem to make it. I pray for him all the time. God has a plan for him. I am waiting (somewhat) patiently. I love my mom. She is probably my best friend. I am so glad we have a very close bond. Not many people have that. It is a gift.

So, given all these facts, I should have some clue about who I am. I can say I am a loving, caring person who will put just about everyone ahead of myself. I know I have my selfish moments but I really try to take care of everyone. Is this enough? Can I be Raegan with all this information? I will just keep praying that God will show me myself though his eyes and help heal the pain I have felt these last few months. I know writing this may cost me whatever friendships I may still have at church but how can I heal if I can't get it out? I don't have a "person" who I can just break down to anymore. The last one I had moved last year. So, on this journey of change this year my main goal is going to be to find myself though God's eyes so I can become a whole person again. I am done feeling like this!

Disappointed...again

I had started out by whining about not getting my own way on a certain subject. I stopped myself, deleted what I had, and started over again. Am I disappointed? Yes. My Whining isn't going to change anything.

I was really hoping Billie would finally go to church with me this week. It was the perfect week for it. He was off work. I didn't have to teach children's church. It was a beautiful day. It just seemed like everything was falling into place, that is, until, he crawled back into bed Sunday morning and told me he was too tired to go. You would think I would be used to it by now but it still stung. I would be taking the kids to church alone,again. I was really disappointed.

I was able to suck it up, get to church, and not let on how my morning had gone. I am getting pretty good at that. As sad as it is to say, I am learning how to put on my best "church face". I had a lot of practice when I was younger. My family looked like a picture perfect family. No one had any idea what was going on behind the scenes. We had great Church faces. I guess I have just brought that aspect of my life back up. It is really hard.

I never want to be the person who walks into church on Sunday morning and when asked "how are you doing?" I spill my guts about how my heart hurts when my husband won't get up and come with me. It has been going on for our entire marriage. You would think I would be used to it by now. I wish it wouldn't hurt so much. Especially when I am in church and see the husbands with their wives. I hope those ladies know how lucky they are. Never take that for granite. It isn't easy being there alone. I don't want your pity. That is why I always just say "fine". I can avoid the whole conversation.

My kids, I think, have just adapted to not having him at church. They know mom is always the one to get them to church and dad will be at home when they get back. That is all they know. It would mean so much to the kids if he could come with us. I know my oldest is about to the point of just completely giving up. It is sad to see that look in her eye when she knows he isn't coming with us.

I wonder sometimes if I have done enough. I worry about his salvation. I worry about his future. Am I falling short? I pray for him all the time. I talk to him all the time. I try to show him how important it is for him to be a part of this. Maybe my actions are not showing what I want them to. I have a tendency to complain. I get stressed out. I let things get to me and I was telling him about it until he said something that just stopped me in my tracks. He said "Just quit going! If it is making you this miserable then why even bother? Why do you give so much of yourself if this is how you feel?"

That is when I sat down and thought about what I had done. As much as I love my church and the people in it, I had started to let the little things really get to me. I was seeing things that the enemy was starting to put in front of me. I had bought into the enemy's lie. I was very disappointed in myself. How can I beg him to come to church when I was being so negative? I felt awful. From that day on, if I fell back into my complaining, I would just write them down in a journal and keep it to myself. Then I pray about it and it now starts to work itself out. No more will I burden my husband with meaningless garbage. That is not the way to win this battle.

To end this I ask for prayer. Prayer for Billie. Prayer for strength for me. Prayers for my children that they will not give up on their daddy. Prayers for my family as we continue to work on making our family whole in church. I have been encouraged by others saying it took years but they finally started going. I can't give up. As disappointed as it can be on Sunday mornings, I will just continue to ask him to come. One day our prayers will be answered and he will get up out of the bed and come with us.

The Shoe Box

As some of you know I have been reading several books by Francine Rivers. I went to the library today to try to get the third book in the Mark of the Lion series. They didn't have it but they did have a short story called "the Shoe Box". It was a small book, only about 90 pages or so. After reading it, it just shows that you don't have to read a big book to get a big message.

The story is about a little boy named Timmy. He has been taken from his parents and put into foster care. He is brought to the home of David and Amy Holmes. He brings with him a small bag of belongings and a shoe box with a red top that says "running shoes". Timmy takes this box everywhere he goes. Everyone who comes in contact with him wonders what he is carrying in this box. When Timmy is asked what is in it, he replies simply "Just things".

Through the story you see Timmy in different situations. Some good, some sad. In every situation he has his shoe box right beside him. When it is Christmas time, Timmy wanted to be in the Christmas play. When the teacher asked him what he wanted to be, Timmy said a wise man. The teacher not wanting to hurt his feelings tells him that the bible never really says how many wise men there were so Timmy got to be a wise man. When the night of the play came, Timmy was standing in his spot but instead of holding the box of jewels he was suppose to have, he held his shoe box. The time came for Timmy to take his gift to the manger. He set his shoe box right next to the manger and walked away.

When the play was over, Amy and David asked if he wanted to go back and get his box. Timmy says, "No, I gave it to Jesus". Amy went back to get it anyway and when she got there the box was gone.(There is an amazing ending to this story but I am going to let you find out what it is!)

The author, Francine Rivers, has a small thing at the beginning of the book where she tells about how when she first became a christian, she had a hard time giving all her troubles to God. She decided to make a prayer box where when she had an issue, she would right it down and then put them in this box. It signified giving it to God. She said to liked to go back and look at the prayers later down the road and see how God answered those prayers. I thought this was the neatest idea! I, too, have a really hard time giving things to God. It has been a battle for me for years! I seem to think in my human mind that I can do a better job than God can! Also, I can get it done in my time range. It is ridiculous! I know better yet I still hold on to the things that affect me the most! Loneliness, fear, stress (and stress eating), worry, finances (whoa! That's a big one!), my husband, etc. I know if I want these things fixed the right way, I have to lay them down at the feet of Jesus.

I told myself that 2012 would be the year I started depending more on God and less on myself. Billie's surgery and 2 months out of work were my first test in this area! It was a struggle, I will not lie, but I prayed harder than I think I ever had! We made it through those tough months and now are on the other side getting back to normal. I handed that situation completely over to God and he took care of us! Not that I didn't try to take it back on many occasions but God used that to show me that he is here for me and my family. It was a wonderful feeling!

I think I may make a Prayer box! Let it be a physical reminder of what I have to do. I still struggle with all the things I listed. I would love to go back at the end of the year and check out the prayers in that box and see how God moved in my life through the year! I am so glad I found that story today. It really made me think a lot!

Francine Rivers, the author who changed my life

As a mother of 4 relatively young children, reading is not something I get to do a lot of. I have a lot to do, and not much time to just sit and read. I am what some people call a "visual" reader. I have to see the book in my head as I read it. Kind of like a movie. It helps me keep up with what I am reading. It may sounds stupid but it works for me. I was really getting frustrated with books and reading. Even reading the bible was a struggle for me. I kept getting distracted and my mind would wander. I wasn't learning anything. Some people I asked about it would tell me "well, you are too easily distracted" or "it shouldn't be this hard" or, the hardest one "You aren't seeking God". I really got worried. I was seeking God in any way I could but reading books by Joyce Meyer (wonderful author) and John Bevere (also excellent author) were really a struggle for me. It really began to bug me. I wanted to read books that would help me seek God in the way I needed to but also be written in a way that I can keep up with it. Then a friend introduced me to Francine Rivers.

I was going through a really hard time a couple of years ago when my friend, Mary, brought this book to me. It is called "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. I looked at it and kind of felt skeptical. How is this going to be any different than the other books I have read? Mary told me that is was Christian fiction. It was worth the read. so, reluctantly, I took the book home and started to read it that night.

I didn't put it down for 2 days. I finished it within 48 hours. This author had found a way to write exactly what I needed to hear in a way that I had no trouble comprehending it.It isthestory of Hosea from the old testament but it takes place in the gold rush of California. As you go through this book, the young woman in it, who had been hurt so much in her life, kept running from who loved her the most, the farmer. She just kept running away from him. Finally, he just had to let her go so she could find her own way back. They amazing part of this book is not that it is a love story, but it also shows us God's unconditional love How many times do we run away from God when things get hard? He is always there when we return. This book opened my eyes to God's unconditional love. I was hooked!

I began reading whatever Francine Rivers books I could get my hands on. She mostly writes love stories in the christian fiction genre. Each one leaves you contemplating those same scenarios in your own life. I finally found a way to seek God through reading and learn what he needs me to learn.

the latest books I have read were books 1 and 2 of the Mark of the Lion series. It is a 3 book series about the characters Julia, Marcus, Hadassah, and Aretes. It is centered in Rome about 40 years after the Crucifixion. It is a amazing story that shows you how important it is not to hide your faith from others. I wish I had the faith the young woman in this story had. It is just an amazing story. I highly recommend these and all her books for anyone who like me who has trouble being able to read those other books. I am looking forward to book number 3!

I find it so amazing how God can show you ways to seek him. He knew my struggles and used a friend to bring me to an author who can write to stir my soul. I am so grateful to my friend, Mary, for introducing me to this wonderful author. And, of course, Thank you, Francine Rivers, for being faithful and writing such amazing stories!

single church parent

Sunday mornings are never normal for me. I get up, feed the kids, put out their clothes for church, do their hair, get myself ready, and take off for church, all while my husband is most likely either asleep because he has worked all night or he is busy with something else. He does not attend church with us. He has come a few times but never very often. I am what is called a "single church parent". Not only am I responsible for getting my children to church every Sunday to learn about God, I am also in charge of their spiritual teaching at home. In a perfect world, the job of the spiritual head of household falls to the husband. Mine has never been a perfect world. It all lays in my lap.

I don't think many people understand this situation I am in. Most of the people I know have never been in my situation. They have been blessed with spouses who are with them every Sunday and Wednesday and any other church activity we have. They are there. I have been a single church parent for 12 years. It has not always been easy but it is what God has given me to do. My children are my life and I do everything I can to make sure they are getting fed God's word. I pray for them all day, everyday. I pray for my husband, too. Even when it seems like nothing is going to change, I continue to lift him up in prayer. I keep reminding my self "not my time, but God's time".

This can be a very lonely road. I can feel extremely lonely at times. There are some Sundays I try so hard to get out of the church building as fast as I can so I don't hear the plans of the husbands and wives. Sunday lunch plans, coffee dates, nights out. dinner at each other's houses. I get my rowdy bunch together and get out the front door. If I hear these plans, it hurts my heart. I know for a fact my sweet church family has no idea. I don't say a word. I have gotten really good at saying "I'm fine" and keeping the pain to myself. I have had a lot of practice at it. I have even pulled away from church activities because I don't feel like I fit in anymore. Hard to fit in with couples when you aren't one. You are more of a third wheel. The walls I have spent years tearing down are slowly building back up. I don't let anyone close to me anymore. I am pretty sure I bring the loneliness on myself.

I do feel blessed that God has brought me someone at church who has a lot in common with me. She attends church alone with her 3 small children.Her husband doesn't attend church, either. She and I have had many conversations about our situations. I actually feel good when we talk because I know she knows what I feel. I believe she was an answer to a prayer. I needed someone who was pretty much going through what I go through on a Sunday morning. I can say "Man, I almost didn't make it, the kids were not cooperating. I almost stayed home" and she knows exactly what I am going through. When you are in our situation, staying home seems so much easier. We fight the urge to skip church and bring our children to learn. It isn't an easy decision, trust me. Your flesh really will fight you on it.

Sometimes if I let myself sit and think about it, I wonder how long this will go on. Will I always been a single church parent? Will I ever been one of the lucky ones with their husband's arm over her shoulder while looking at the bible during the sermon. When you sit alone in church, things like that come to your attention. Every loving gesture you see around you is staring you right in the face. I know I have to push back the tears and just keep reminding myself that God is in control. Never give up! Never stop praying. no matter how badly I feel defeated, I can't give up on making my family whole. I will just keep fighting on.

memories of a dear friend

My mom came to visit this past weekend. She brought a book that was written by a lady back in my hometown of Brigham City. It was a compilation of short stories and poems a bible verses. It was beautiful. There was one story in particular that I wanted to read. It was written by the daughter of my Sunday school teacher from High school. Her name was Ilene. I was nervous about reading it. I knew it was going to stir up emotions that I didn't want to relive. Not that they were bad memories, just more sad memories. You see, Ilene was killed in a plane crash in March, 2003. My heart broke when I found out. She was very special to me. She helped me through some of the toughest times in my life. When I felt no one else was there, she always was. With a heavy heart, I read this short story written by her daughter.

The story is called "I Will Rise" by Kati Germer. It is a moving account of the day she lost both of her parents. Ilene's husband, Buzz, had been battling cancer and was in the hospital in Salt Lake City. He got a reluctant "ok" from the doctor to go home (home being Sun Valley, Idaho). Buzz was more than ready to go. They called a close friend who owned a private plane and he came to pick them up and take them home. Kati goes on to talk about how it was her niece's birthday so they were trying to get Ilene and Buzz taken care of at the airport so they could go back to the birthday party. Not that they were hurrying them along but it was just a typical day. Who knew what was eventually going to happen. A couple of hours later Kati got a call from her sister in Idaho saying the plan never landed. They had run into a bad snow storm. The plane had fallen off the radar. When the wreckage was found, there was nothing left. No survivors.

While sifting through the wreckage, they came across one item that had managed to survive, Buzz's bible. It was still in very good condition. In fact, there is a picture of it in the book. Kati goes on to talk about how she wondered if Ilene and Buzz were holding onto that bible when their plane went down. If that bible had given them comfort in a time of shear terror. Kati talks about an email Ilene had sent her just before the accident. It was a typical Ilene email (or letter in my case.). It had this bible verse in it:

"Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy. Though I fall I will rise. Though I dwell in darkness, the LORD is a light for me".-Micah 7:8 (NASB)

Kati used this verse as comfort during such a hard time. It was a way for her mother to comfort her before the accident. Isn't it amazing how God works? When Ilene sent this email to her children, she had no idea what was in store for her. Kati also talks about a passage that was in the devotional "Our Daily Bread". She said it fit the situation so well. She and her siblings had a memorial made with it on it.

"The grass withers, the flowers fade, but the word of our God stands forever,"-Isaiah 40:8 (NASB)

I was such a beautiful story about the love of this family in a time of tragedy. I wish I could put my memories of this wonderful woman on a slide show so everyone could see how truly wonderful she was. She was (and still is) my inspiration! She was an incredible Sunday school teacher. I learned so much from her. Things that have stayed with me for many years. Now that I am a Children's church teacher (and leader) I keep in mind how she taught and how she loved us and how she inspired us. I can only hope I can be half the teacher she was. I look at my kids in children's church and I can only pray that I can be as good a teacher as she was. When I really start getting down about things in Children's church, I remember Ilene and I suck it up and find a way to fix it. The children are the important part, we are just there to help guide them.

Another reason she was such an inspiration was that she never gave up on her husband. Many of you know the situation with mine. He doesn't go to church and he doesn't get involved. Ilene's husband was the same way for many years. She never gave up on him. She prayed for him relentlessly. She was a good "single church mom". She brought her kids to church every Sunday by herself. She did what she had to. God finally answered her prayers and Buzz came to Christ a few years before their death. I have this image in my head of the two of them walking hand in had into the gates of heaven. This only happened because she never gave up on him. She knew God would eventually answer her prayer. Now they are together in heaven. when I start thinking my situation is hopeless, I remember her relentless faith. I can't give up. My prayers will be answered in God's time, just like Ilene.

I am thankful that God put Ilene in my life. She still gives me inspiration. I keep her letters and notes that she sent me close to my bed. When I really let things get to me, I can pull those up and read her notes of encouragement. She is part of the reason I am who I am today and for that, I can never say Thank you enough. We are planning a trip back to Utah next summer and I had actually thought about driving to Sun Valley to see the memorial her children put up. I don't know if I will make it, but I know it is there. We will have to see what happens.

praise

I have a problem of reading things on facebook and then wanting to respond before actually thinking. Usually when I do this, it comes out all wrong and never makes any sense. I have been training myself to think first , then post an answer (if it is warranted). My thought process was put to the test this week after reading something that I completely disagreed with.

I have a respect for other denominations and that sometimes we, as Christians, do not all have the same thoughts and beliefs. I know that things are not always the same. I love my church and I love the way my church worships. To me, I feel Jesus in the people there and in the way we worship together. My children have gone there all of their lives. We are all family. This week I read an article posted by a friend on facebook. It was on praise teams. Now this friend is Church of Christ. I know that particular denomination does not believe in music or instruments in their worship. Not to say they don't worship, they just don't have the same type of worship as my church (a non-denominational) does. In this article it states how praise teams are wrong and instruments should not be used. That's fine. that is what they believe, and I respect that. It is what is said next that bothered me so much. It went on to say the women could not have a leadership role in a praise team because it would be to glorify themselves and their vocal abilities, not God. Also, it stated that most praise teams are only out for themselves and their glory. I strongly disagree with this. Mainly because I am extremely close to my praise team at my church and not a one of them stands up there with any thing else on their minds but to glorify God in their singing. Yes, we have instruments. We don't believe it is wrong. That is our right to do. It is all for the glory of God.

I think I got the maddest when it was talking about women not needing to be in leadership roles in a worship team. One of my closest friends, Jenny, lead our worship team for years and not once did she stand up there for the glory of anyone but God. When she sang, you knew it was nothing but a gift from God. She never put herself first in her leading. She was a wonderful leader! That statement in that article is wrong in that! Yes, I believe there are many who stand with a worship teams with only wanting their voices heard. I have been to churches like that. They put on their best "Christina Agiulara" and have no passion for God in their singing. Not all churches are like this. There are many who have women in leadership that sing for God and only God. That is when the spirit moves. My friend, Jenny, has since moved away and we have a new leader. He is a wonderful leader. When he and the praise team sang today, I just felt the Holy Spirit in their singing and in their instruments. It was a beautiful moment. It was what I needed to feel today to help me deal with this anger I have had about this article. I know that our way of worship is just fine. It may not be the way everyone worships but it is the way my church family does and God hears us just fine.

I come from a past of extreme legalism and indoctrination. I think that is why I let things like this get to me. I am really trying not to let them well up in me. It is just another thing I have on my list of things to change. I have to just pray about it and let God show me the answers, just like he did today.

Now, I have many friends who are Church of Christ. I love them all very much. I am not trying to offend anyone by stating this in my blog. I have complete respect for what you do and how you worship. I just think that the article I read was extremely judgemental against other denominations. We all have the same goal, to worship our master and creator for His glory. God Bless you all.

My First Born

When I held my first born daughter for the very first time 12 years ago, I could not believe what a beautiful miracle I was looking at. She was so tiny a perfect and knowing I was her mom was so overwhelming. I had things going through my mind like she was going to be nice and polite and never talk back and never be in trouble. She could never do any wrong because I would make sure she knew all right from wrong and she would always make the right decisions. Yes, I was naive!!

Sitting her 12 years later i have learned my lesson! Not saying that she is a holy terror or anything! She is just a normal pre-teen! Trying to find herself, her identity in this world. Sometimes that is good, other times it can be down right annoying!! I do have to admit. I love our conversations. She is funny without meaning to be! She calls it her "blond moments". She is turning into quite a smart, funny, beautiful young lady.

My heart aches as she grows up. It seems like just yesterday I was rocking her to sleep. Watching her take in the world with wide eyed enthusiasm. She was always looking for something new to learn. Something new to do. Some of my favorite memories of her being a baby are of her figuring out things. She has always enjoyed learning new things. Her enjoyment of learning has grown with her. She is always up for a challenges

We fight, we talk, we learn together. She knows she is my guinea pig! I have always told that I have to practice on her so I can get it right with the others! She has a huge heart. She loves unconditionally and whole heartedly. She is a lot like me. That is good AND bad. I see several things in her that I know I used to do. My mom always used to tell me "Raegan! I hope you have a daughter just like you one day!". I believe she got her wish. Brittney is a lot like me. We are both very compassionate, very loving, very quiet and shy. She is a little more outgoing than I was. Unfortunately she also has my anger and hurt patterns. She loves to roll those eyes and say mean things to her sisters and brothers. I did that, too.

I am trying to find ways to deal with her growing up. I want her to grow up and be Godly woman I know she can be. I would love for her not to have to go through the things I had to go through to realize God needs to be number one! I already see a disconnect with her and her dad. Billie doesn't know how to deal with her and it is causing a rift in their relationship. That can have deadly consequences. Knowing what it is like to not have a relationship with a dad, I pray for them everyday. Brittney needs to be more respectful of her father and Billie needs to plug into his daughter's life. This could save her a lot of heartache down the road.

Brittney is my heart. I love her so much and it hurts to watch her grow. I am so proud of the young women she is becoming but I miss the little girl she was. She is an amazing girl and I love that fact that she is mine. I hope she and I can have as close a relationship as my mom and I do. I never want to lose that.

I warned you that I may ramble sometimes! I just wanted to talk about my first born tonight because she is the best thing I have ever made!!

Going Public!!

So I have been debating for some time now whether or not to post a link to this blog. I mean, it is me, on display for everyone to see! I don't like to be open. I am a very private person. I started this blog as a way to try to fix things in my life that needed a little tweaking.

After some prayer I have decided to open my thoughts up to the public. I know that the majority of people who read this won't like it. I am not a skilled writer. Sometimes I babble. Sometimes I don't make any sense. By hey, that is me! Maybe by sharing my thoughts, this change I so desperately need can begin. I need to let people see me, like me or not!

I have been dealing with a feeling of failure this week. The first casualty of Billie's back surgery will happen today. We will lose internet service sometime today. I tried so hard to stay on top of my bills while he was out of work but this one had to fall by the wayside. As the last couple of months have been very stressful for my family, I tried to keep things as normal as possible for the kids, I paid what I could and unfortunately the phone/internet bill was at the bottom of the list. It isn't a necessity, so to speak. We can live without it. I just don't want to. It is my line to the outside world. I talk more to people online then in real life. I feel like a part of a community online where I feel like an outsider in the real world. Maybe I am too dependant on it and that is why I have to lose it for a little while. I need to learn to connect to the real world.

So here it is! Love me or leave me, this is me. Keep in mind I am still very new to all this blogging stuff so don't be too critical. I am just trying to be real. I don't talk about anything important, just my life. So, I hope you enjoy my heart and I will try to keep up with it (someway, while the internet is down!

And God answers...In a shocking way

This has not been the best of days for me. It started out like any other Thursday morning. It is always hard to get the kids up and going on Thursdays due to Wednesday night church. I simply made a status update on facebook saying:

"I guess threatening to quit going to church on Wednesday night has finally paid off! I haven't had any problem out of the kids (except for Brittney's attitude) in 2 weeks!"

I ended up getting a response from an old church friend. Her response really startled me. She took what I said out of context and proceeded to write something that made me feel really bad. I private messaged her to let her know that she took what I said out of context and that I didn't mean what she said. I thought that was the end of it. I got a message back from her and it was harsh. She told me (and I am paraphrasing here) that I am not handling Brittney right and that posting things on facebook about her is mean and humiliating to her. It really got to me! I began to wonder if I really was hurting Brittney without knowing it. I went through my status updates to check it out.

I went back as far as the beginning of December and nothing I saw was humiliating. Yes, I have posted when we have had issues and I did post a funny story she told me but she knew it. I normally always tell her what I am posting. Then I started to feel really bad. What if I am doing wrong and I wasn't figuring it out? Am I screwing up my kids? Am I really as bad a mom as I feel in this moment?

I struggled with this all day. I didn't know how to deal with the overwhelming guilt I was starting to feel. I thought about asking a friend if she thought I was humiliating Brittney but I ended up just praying about it. I asked God to show me if I was doing wrong and if I was, show me how to fix it. I have cried most of the day dealing with this.

After getting my kids off to bed and balancing my checkbook, I decided to check facebook one more time before I went to bed. I saw that I had a private message. I was hoping it wasn't from the same friend. I just couldn't handle any more guilt. I clicked on it and was completely surprised. It was from a lady I hadn't heard from in several years. We were church friends but have lost touch.

I was almost afraid to look at it. I knew it had to do with the post this morning. As I read it, tears came rushing to my eyes! Her message was the answer to the prayer I had prayed earlier. She reassured me I was the best mom for my kids. I was so blown away! I know God answers prayers but lately, I have felt like mine were being ignored. He took the perfect opportunity to show me He is still listening.

I am so grateful to both of the "old friends". I may not have liked what the first one said but through that, I got the assurance I needed about being a mom from the other one. God is good!